Accountant Suffers One Injury While Fighting Multiple Wars

10/18/02 - Details remain sketchy, but preliminary reports coming out of the Defense Department suggest that Junior Accountant Herb Kalinsky, husband and father of three, may have suffered a paper cut while serving his country in at least two of the wars concurrently being waged by the United States.

A spokesman was quoted as saying, "He may have been adding up receipts, or he may have been reviewing a monthly financial analysis report ... we are unsure at this point". Defense Department officials failed to disclose which war Mr. Kalinsky was actually fighting, leading some to speculate he was shuffling duties between the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, the pending Iraqi War, the current Iraq conflicts of Operations Northern Watch and Southern Watch, the Colombian Civil War which the US entered last Saturday, Operation Selva Verde already in progress in Colombia, or any number of other military interventions where the United States is involved.

"I heard a 'yow', followed by the sound of someone asking for a Band-Aid. It was then I noticed 'at least two people' in a hurried walk to the first aid kit in the kitchenette" remarked Ellen Smith-Jones, a receptionist on Kalinsky's floor.

Injuries at the, er, "Defense" Department have increased more than sevenfold since last year, with Mr. Kalinsky's injury representing the 28th since January. Causes of injury range from "badly stubbed toe" to an incident last April involving a portable paper shredder, which according to industry sources are "all unfortunate realities common to this industry, especially during a time of multiple war".

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