Ben Affleck to Attend Emergency Joint Chiefs Meeting

9/28/01 - Ben Affleck, aspiring politician and presidential hopeful, was personally called to an emergency meeting by the Joint Chiefs of Staff in Washington yesterday. "We extend a warm welcome to Mr. Affleck. In crisis situations such as these, we find ourselves at a loss as to what to do next. We look forward to Ben's shrewd decision-making" said Colin Powell.

Tom Ridge, with the help of a respirator and a handful of bennies, agreed. "That's right!" he said. The only protest came from Tony Blair, who removed his tongue from George W Bush's asshole just long enough to declare "Crikey! Bollocks!". Blair's outburst is reportedly a response to comments Mr. Affleck made about the British Monarchy, whom he referred to as "alcoholic 90-year olds." Mr. Affleck believes countries should be run by alcoholic 34-year olds. Hence his desire to run for public office.