Educators Declare: "Alan Jackson Doesn't Know Shit From Shiite Either"
3/7/02 - A group of volunteer educators entered their third week of the emergency reeducation of ignorant country singer Alan Jackson. Tired, yet somehow still determined, the teachers' mission is to strike at the root of the "obvious American nescience issue", which they now identify as "jingoist country music lyrics, on constant loop in the heads of NASCAR fans, in much the same hypnotic method as the races they watch."

The group of retired teachers, acting on Bush's call for public service, were tipped off to Jackson's learning disability while waiting for a connecting flight in Charlotte with what one educator described as "NASCAR groupies".

"They were singing this, 'I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran.', and we thought, damn, that's wrong on so many different levels. Why would anyone rely on CNN for news? It presumes that CNN knows the difference between Iran and Iraq, and even with simple geography they have proved their lack of international cognizance."

But beyond that, who is preaching, through tearjerking lyrics and twangy melodies, that Americans' incapacity and/or refusal to concern themselves with their own governments' global rapacity over the last 50 plus years is perfectly acceptable?

Dr. Larry Durgin remembers the moment the quote from the NASCAR junkies was traced back to the song "Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)".

"About 5 minutes later", he says firmly. "I instinctively scanned the country music stations on my Walkman. There it was. And then again, on another station, a few minutes later."

What stood out more for Durgin, however, was the moment he realized early in the reeducation sessions with Alan Jackson that the group was dealing with more than ignorance.

"With Alan, we found a shocking lack of intelligence. He relies on spelling similarities in an attempt to ascertain their definition, physical properties, or belief system."

To Alan Jackson, 'Iran' and 'Iraq' are the same thing, as is 'Bush' and 'Busch', and 'shit' and 'Shiite'.

"His comprehension of the English language is atrocious" said Linda Mezrich, a former grammar school special-education teacher. "It's now understandable, unfortunately, how an imbecile with such a controlling voice over a population can create a whole legion of greenfoots. We have a lot of work before us. We still haven't been able to contact Charlie Daniels."