War on Terrorism to be Fought Alphabetically

1/25/02 - Sighting convenience as a means to quell infighting within the Bush Administration, Defense Studretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that America's Whatever-You-Call-It War (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) will be fought "in order".

"I had 60 right off the bat, and I'm down to wanting 15 countries invaded now, but Bush keeps the figure at 51%. And Cheney, he's too busy either shredding his 'Energy Task Force' memos from the Enron meetings, or we simply can't find him. We hired a consulting firm and they offered us this solution", said Rumsfeld. "After Afghanistan, we're just going down the UN list: Albania, Algeria, Andorra, Antigua, Argentina, and so on."

When pressed about the continued bombing raids on Afghanistan, Rumsfeld commented that the name Afghanistan "still appears on the list", and bombing will continue until the UN can no longer "recognize it as a country, figuratively or literally. Besides, how do you in the press suggest we run a pipeline from the Caspian Oil Basin through a mountain range without loosening the ground a bit." The truth could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, Somalia announced they have changed their name to "Zyzzyva", while Iraq one-upped them by going with "Zzzzzyzx". Meanwhile, Pakistan "has been informed it is in their best interest" to change their country name to . Developing...