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 McDonald's
Burns in London
Around a thousand "communists",
"Anarchists", and "Hooligans" led an anti-capitalist
riot in London on May Day. Prime Minister Tony Blair has condemned
the protesters as an "absolute disgrace". "Their actions have nothing
to do with conviction or belief and everything to do with mindless
thuggery," he said. The ruffians laid beautiful waste to a McDonald's
since there were no Starbucks closeby. These hooligans ruined the
day for the peaceful protestors who "dug up clumps of turf and
planted seeds as part of their guerrilla gardening campaign - to return
parts of urban London to nature." Cheers!
Government To
Re-Enact Vietnam and Kevin Costner's "Water World"
Based on the success of the recent multi-million
dollar re-enactment of WACO in exonerating the government, the U.S.
will embark on similar re-enactments in the upcoming months.
"We
are hoping to recreate Vietnam. We figure we can win this time and
save millions of lives. Everyone will see that Vietnam was not a
mistake. We also plan to re-enact Watergate to show that no wrongdoings
occurred. We are licensing the technology to major movie studios.
Waterworld is going to be reanacted to prove it is good, and thanks
to Ted Turner's wallet, The World Series will be re-enacted and
we'll show that The Braves won."
Critics say that the controversial legal technique may be misleading,
but studies show that, for the American public, reality and fiction
are nearly inseparable at this point. A recent poll found that re-enacting
Monica blowing Clinton should be a high priority for our next president.
Subway
Death Study
A groundbreaking study at the University of New York City found that
those pushed in front of subway trains were less likely to participate
in a marathon and less likely to have children. "We have found a direct
inverse correlation here, but we have yet to confirm a causal effect."
Says Dr. Mark Snyder, professor of the Scientific Cultural Urban Studies
League. "We are still determining the factors involved in our findings.
We hypothesize that those who have been involved in such incidents
are more likely to embrace a cognitive hypersensitivity to high speed
and tend to shun marathons and other situations involved in either
speed or crowds. As far as the lack of offspring, we suggest that
there may be psychoanalytic imagery at play here. The phallic train,
thrusting through the tight subway tunnel, may have a powerful, adverse
effect on sexual interest. The study also found that subway train
victims experience, on average, a 98.4% mortality rate and are 100%
human.
Liberty
and Justice for All
In a response to charges of singling out certain minorities for drug
trafficking and violent crime suspicion, the governor of New Jersey
has instituted a new police policy for dealing with potential suspects.
A team of high profile sociologists and artists gathered to determine
a "neutral color", based on a composite of all New Jersey citizens'
complexion.
This
neutral, universal skin color is described as "light brownish-mauve"
and was determined by taking a representative sample of skin colors
throughout the state of New Jersey. Police departments across the
state are learning how to immediately recognize the neutral color
and are outfitted with special devices which identify suspects of
this complexion.
"Once
we have determined that a suspect's skin color is neutral, only
then can beatings, sodomy, torture, and arbitrary arrest occur."
Reported Police Chief Michael Riggins, of Jersey City."
The state hopes the new laws will quell public unrest concerning
the recent charges that officers single out minorities for unlawful
harassment and persecution. Governor Whitman assures the public
that, under the new guidelines, justice will be served.
"We
understand that the people of New Jersey are concerned about racial
inequality when it comes to police brutality. Now we can be sure
that only racially neutral people will receive such treatment. So
far, the program is yielding excellent results. Last week, a Jersey
City motorist was pulled over on drug suspicion charges. Arresting
officers were immediately able to identify the man as "racially
neutral" and proceeded to beat the man senseless. The suspect was
then sodomized with a whiffle ball bat and sprayed with 12 rounds
of ammunition. If we keep up this sterling record of public service,
the state of New Jersey stands as a pioneer of racial justice and
equality The national response has been very positive thus far,
with the exception of Vermont, whose entire citizenry may be subject
to police brutality aimed at their purely white collective complexion.
Starbucks
to Trademark "Small", "Medium", and "Large"
A federal judge ruled yesterday that the terms "small, medium, and
large" would be officially phased out of the English language in favor
of "tall", "grande", and "vente grande", thanks to Starbucks coffee.
"You will no longer hear the word 'small' here at Starbucks - or anywhere,
for that matter," stated Starbucks CEO Gerald Carter.
Starbucks recently bought the rights to the terms "small", "medium",
and "large" with the intention of rendering them unusable to English
speakers. "We understand the difficulty in enforcing these laws universally,
but we will guarantee that anyone attempting to use such language
when ordering coffee is subject to stiff penalties." A judge ordered
that using the term "medium" instead of "grande" will result in incarceration
in a Starbucks lounge with at least 25 poetry-reading gen-xers and
10 young urban professionals for no less than thirty days. Failure
to use the term "half-caf" when ordering a half caffeinated, half
decaffeinated coffee will result in a fine of $1000 and a requirement
to wear a "Dunkin' Donuts Sucks" t-shirt for no less than fourteen
days. Any establishment attempting to sell products based on the outdated
"small", "medium" and "large" criteria will also be subject to fines,
including clothing as well as food products. A spokeswoman for a well-known
women's clothier defended the ruling, saying that clothing sold as
"vente grande" sounds much more flattering for overweight women who
seek larger sizes but are ashamed to choose "large.". Starbucks reportedly
paid an undisclosed amount in the millions of dollars to buy the rights
to the former size terms.
Microsoft
Announces Next Move
Microsoft and sexxxxx.com announced a strategic alliance last
Wednesday in a bid to offer free computers to consumers in exchange
for a "slight" tradeoff. Essentially, the free computers come with
an extra piece of hardware designed to collect semen and transmit
it directly to Microsoft, which will use it to clone Windows users
for the next generation. "We realize Windows is a frustrating, and
now that people are becoming aware that UNIX and Macintosh offer
much better operating systems, we have turned to strategic partnerships
to secure our future as THE operating system of…um…choice." Said
Bill Gates on Wednesday.
The deal calls for sexxxxx.com to freely supply and distribute the
largest array of porn available on the Internet on new computers,
to be bundled with Windows 2000 and Internet Explorer 6, which also
supports XXXML language. This Beta release of Windows, dubbed "Pygmalion"
by the company's programmers…yadda yadda yadda…Master Beta. "By
supplying free hardware to our users, as well as the most premium
eye candy around, we are making an investment in our future. The
open source approach (no pun intended) is a proven winner"
The extra piece of hardware, guaranteed to be "more fun than the
palm pilot", is tied in with the pornography the user has agreed
to view as part of the sales agreement. Even if the user, presumably
male, finds no such enjoyment in the images, the extra hardware,
as one insider noted, "simply beats the user senseless and encodes
his or her DNA structure to be sent digitally to Microsoft." A Microsoft
spokesman puts it this way: "They're damned if they do and damned
if they don't…not much different from our present operating systems,
really."
High
School Metal Shop Teacher Touches Young Man's Life
Jesse Williams, an 18 year-old high school sophomore, was touched
by his metal shop teacher this semester. Before he was touched, his
life seemed "directionless and empty." "I spent a lot of time smoking
joints in the schoolyard and drawing anarchy symbols on my notebook.
Once, when I was supposed to read something called "For Whom the Bell
Tolls" by Ernest something, I wrote in the lyrics to a Korn song instead
and handed that in to my teacher. She made me see the guidance counselor,
but that sucked, and just made me hate my parents even more. That's
because he said the fact that I was a dirtball was their fault, not
mine. But I started really getting into my metal shop class. That's
when my teacher, Mr. Grubaldi, really touched me. That's when I knew
that I was special and I had a real skill handling tools and drilling
holes in class. I only hope other kids have the opportunity to be
touched like I did. I really feel like I've been saved.
Time
Magazine Publishes Smut
The editors at Time magazine have issued a perhaps unsurprising
statement on Monday: that the magazine will relinquish control
to Larry Flynt. This decision came after seeing readership steadily
increase over the last year. "We have found that the more smut
we publish, the more readers we keep. We have fired the last reporter
who attended a four-year college and we will go forward with this
marketing campaign. Time has published market research which found
that reveals a high correlation between the total square inches
of naked flesh featured on its cover and within the contents correlates
with a high readership. Conversely, high incidences of political,
economical, and international affair reporting "kills us." The
next issue is said to include a weekly column by Joe Bob Briggs,
who will give a breast count in the table of contents.
Anti-Depressants
Breakthrough
Scientists found that, despite efforts to produce drugs that stifle
creativity, originality, personality, and critical reasoning in
adults and children, there are still at least .7% of the population
that remains resistant or refuses to admit they need antidepressants
and other wonder drugs. "We have asked every doctor to prescribe
these drugs for every ailment. Our reasoning is that everyone needs
to see a doctor at some point, and when they do…bam! We make the
connection. And anyone who shows any type of creativity, or questions
authority either at their jobs or at school is liable to be convinced
they need to see a doctor anyway. Employers and teachers often require
that these "ne'er do wells" see a specialist upon any signs of curious
thought or genuine reasoning. The truth of the matter is, those
who somehow slip by usually do so because they are already incapable
of disturbing anyone or anything around them. We can let them be.
But there are still those few that really don't know what's good
for them. All the Proxil, xanzac, and Paxizil in the world is useless
if we can't get it distributed. It's a big reason 1 in 150 people
in this country are in jail. It's the only way we could get to them.
Scientologists
Rejoice
The ghost of L Ron Hubbard appeared at the Scientology Center in
Hollywood yesterday during services and promptly keeled over in
hysterics. Mr. Hubbard was reported to have declared "the joke is
over!" To the 400 people in attendance. If you remember correctly,
I was a SCIENCE FICTION and SATIRE writer. When I wrote Dianetics,
I was fucking joking!!!!"
Despite the
laughter that interviews with John Travolta and Kirstie Allie
yield, this must be put to an immediate end. I wrote Dianetics
as a joke, with the understanding that people are generally stupid,
but the degree of stupidity that allows my joke to so widely considered
serious that I must put a stop to it before someone outside of
the entertainment industry falls for the hoax. Yes, this is highly
unlikely, but I never thought it would go this far. According
to inside sources, over half of all Hollywood entertainers are
said to be Scientologists, giving Los Angeles the highest concentration
of stupidity in the free world. "How else can one explain Melrose
Place or L.A. Doctors? Asked Mr. Hubbard. Kirstie Alley was asked
for comment, but she was barely audible in her stunned confusion.
"But…um….do you like my dress?…um…I am a good person….um…" L.
Ron Hubbard is said to be back in his grave now, and finally,
as he put it "resting easily and recovering from my painful fits
of laughter."
Female
Orgasm Discovered
American scientists have recently uncovered what they believe to
be a female orgasmic response. "It's amazing", says Dr. Less Worth,
"It appears that a woman may actually possess the ability to achieve
a physiological sexual response not unlike a male." Dr. Worth has
faced some serious criticism for his claim, particularly from women's
magazine publishers and most of the American male population.
Jacqueline Bazan, publisher of Today's Woman magazine, is on e of
many that are shaken by this news. "Our magazine is geared toward
making women feel fat and inadequate. 75% of our articles are about
sex and most of these instruct our readers how to please their men.
If they start to worry about pleasing themselves, then we have a
serious problem. We have already been contacted by a handful of
advertisers who are ready to pull out if there is any mention of
this hoax of a discovery anywhere in our magazine.
An anonymous spokeswoman for Young and Hip Magazine shares these
views. "For our magazine to be successful, we need advertisers.
At least 75% of our content IS advertising. Our own content is based
on an understanding that these advertisers can only be successful
if our readers are sexually maladjusted, have little or no self-esteem,
and hold no notions of originality, pleasure, or self-determination.
The idea of a female orgasm is an affront to our business. Next
thing you know, women might be told they don't have to wear 10 pounds
of makeup or uncomfortable, expensive platform shoes. Our advertisers
would abandon us. Other editors of women's magazines and sexual
guides are also scrambling to protest the findings. One sex expert,
who contributes to a number of talk shows and magazines, admits
that her usual columns, "How to Please Your Man", "How to Keep Your
Man Happy", and "How to Please Him in Bed." Might face criticism.
"Imagine the idea…an American man having sex for more than 3 to
4 minutes and actually being able to give a woman pleasure…it's
nonsense" The Committee for Sexual Righteousness and Submission
plans a rally outside Washington next week if the findings are made
public and held as truth.
Booty
and the HoFish to Kick Off Comeback Tour
A revamped Hootie and the Blowfish are preparing for a spring and
summer tour in support of their new album "Hootie Call." The three
white guys in the band were replaced by DJ Loopy, Ice Scream, and
Sticky. Booty rounds out the lineup, and now takes voice lessons from
John Lee Hooker and undergoes routine beatings in order to understand
what it means to "suffer." His golf clubs were confiscated and his
daily intake of vanilla milkshakes have been replaced by St. Ide's
Malt Liquor. Lifetime Original Movie breeds controversy A recent lifetime
original movie, "Divorced, battered, kidnapped, and bulimic: the Jen
Black story", stemmed controversy recently because of its surprise
ending. Etc. etc.
Woman
Finds Joy in New "No-Spill" Milk Carton
That commercial you might have seen was not a dramatization.
That was a real woman whose life changed dramatically when the Spill
Less company introduced the revolutionary no spill milk carton. Market
research revealed that Joy Mallery was not the only citizen to suffer
the cruelty of the traditional milk carton. Firstly, we project that
90,000 gallons of milk will go down someone's throat instead of all
over the kitchen in the coming year. That is a big plus for the environment
as well as the economy. Furthermore, the suffering will finally come
to an end for millions of citizens who begin their day by both embarrassing
and frustrating themselves as they attempt to pour their morning cereal.
Research
Study: Nothing We Didn't Already Know
A recent research study at the University of Illinois uncovered something
they figured they already knew: that most university research studies
find something we already know. "There are serious flaws in this study",
claimed Dr. Mark Hamilton, professor of Social Science Awareness and
regular contributor to Journal of Objective Extinction. The method
are questionable, to say the least. We have come to the conclusion
that research in the social sciences has zero value.
NATO
Bombs Disneyworld
Pirates worldwide gathered and stormed the streets in protest of the
recent accidental NATO bombing of "Pirates of the Caribbean". Apparently,
Space Mountain, known to be a secret Serb/Terrorist military compound,
was the intended target. The damage was heavy, as six mechanical pirates
were among those injured by the bombings. Florida may seem like an
unlikely target, but CIA operatives insist that Slobodon Milosevic
is stockpiling dangerous weapons in the bowels of Space Mountain in
Disney World. "It is unfortunate that our maps have turned out to
be a bit outdated", stated a high-ranking CIA official. Apparently,
the map used to target the building was "extremely outdated" and derived
from "questionable sources", said an anonymous CIA spokesman. The
United Nations has 
demanded
to see the map used on these raids in an attempt to resolve the conflict.
"Humor Is Dead" has obtained a copy of the map seen here.
Especially
incensed was UN official "Bart Blackbeard," who released a statement
denouncing American colonialism and called for a fleet of ships
to defend pirate interests "across the seven seas". The fleet would
call for at least 6 ships armed "to the teeth" with cannons and
"booty". "Yosemite" Sam would lead the fleet, and vowed not to be
deceived by NATO forces again, who have had success with the "match
in the powder room" ruse. The accidental bombing comes less than
a week after NATO somehow mistook a Chinese Embassy for a Serb weapons
compound. American officials released an official apology as citizens
across China burned American flags and stormed the streets in protest
of the bombing of the Chinese embassy. Simpsons actor "the pirate
guy", a high profile pirate and spokesman, had this to say: "Argh!"
Flying
Yids Stir Up Controversy
Wilburton, Oklahoma was the subject of controversy recently when it
announced that the sports teams would be named "the Flying Yids".
The emblem pictures a Hasidic Jewish Man with peyot braids flying
behind him in the wind to give the impression of "speed, power, and
agility." "We thought that the name was cool because it was kind of
catchy. And I don't know about you, but when I think about speed and
power, I picture an orthodox Jew cruising down the big city streets
in his long black coat, wearing those braids that whip through the
air with grace and authority. He is moaning holy phrases and knows
he is one of God's chosen tribes, and a child of Israel. If ever there
was a symbol of grace, power, and attitude, that's it. It is that
attitude that I want our sports teams to have: to know that we are
God's chosen ones and that we are devoted to proving that."
Though his comments seemed reasonable, and perhaps somewhat flattering,
the Jewish Anti-defamation league was uproarious over this decision.
In an official statement, Ari "The Tsadic" Goldberg, who is a professional
wrestler and member of the JAL, said "There are no Jews in Wilburton...there
are no Jews in Oklahoma! There is no defense for this kind of racial
ignorance." Coach Clampett agrees that there are no Jews in Wilburton
or Oklahoma, but points out that the folklore and mystery about the
Jew in Wilburton was what made the mascot so attractive. Children
growing up in the area speak of "The Fleeting Jew", referring to a
folk tale shared around campfires in the area. Meanwhile, as the controversy
broils, most residents of Wilburton are enthusiastically supporting
The Fighting Yids. Plans are currently underway to teach local citizens
what a dreidle is before instituting the popular music as the team's
fight song. TOP Related Stories JAL takes on NWO in Texas Cage Match
Wilburton to host Muslim Summit Mayor orders assassination of Cat
Stevens Inbreeding theme for Homecoming Parade.
Virgin
Mary Appears on Photocopy of Worker's Ass
Michael Jaspers, a happy-go-lucky handy-man from Vor-Cept Incorporated
in Jersey City, always had a penchant for office hijinks. But last
Friday, after a lunch of a ham sandwich and two luke-warm budweisers,
Michael returned to the office with one thing in mind: to photocopy
his ass on the office Xerox machine. "I figured the other workers
would get a kick out of it", reports Mr. Jaspers, who has been a Vor-Cept
employee for four years in the facilities department. "I had no idea
what I would find."
A co-worker pointed out the apparition soon after the copying took
place. "It was as clear as day...Right on Michael's left cheek...about
a quarter inch to the left of his anus...about 11 o'Clock. A closer
examination of Mr. Jaspers' buttocks revealed nothing there; not even
a pimple or stray hemorrhoid, leading skeptics to believe that it
was merely a flaw of the copier and not a true appearance of the virgin
mother. One of the thousands of religious freaks who swarmed the offices
at Vor-Cept voiced his beliefs: We believe that the mixture of catholic
sweat, Mr. Jasper's Christian soul, and the miracle copier machine
offered a conduit for the Virgin Mary to appear and spread the word
of god here on Earth. When asked how often he attends church, Mr.
Jaspers remarked "I went last year on Ash Wednesday...it's cool when
people look at me funny because I have that stuff on my forehead."
TOP Related Stories:
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Heads
From Easter Islands Speak Out on Politically Incorrect
The heads from Easter Island are sick and tired of being seen but
not heard. They finally came clean on Wednesday, as Bill Maher announced
his intention of having them sit in on his popular "Politically Incorrect"
show. "We understand that this show is the cornerstone of American
politics and public opinion. When policy makers like Kirstie Alley
or Jason Priestly have something to say, the American People listen...and
act" claimed the heads' spokesrock. "What better forum to express
our views than this show? We have gone without a voice long enough.
People are always interested in the Pyramids, or, worse, those ridiculous
stonehenge rocks. It is time for the world to embrace 'archeological
diversity' and allow all rocks to be heard. This blatant Easter Island
prejudice must come to an end for all nations, whether they are members
of NATO or not."
 The
heads speak on a condition of anonymity...for now. Reportedly, the
heads have been ignored for years despite their strong stance on such
issues as nuclear disarmament, rhinoceros preservation, and public
education. The heads are also deeply offended by the portrayal of
rocks on the Flintstones and other popular movies and television shows.
In another publicity attempt, the Heads are in negotiations with the
WWF and WCW concerning a "knock-down, balls out, double-tag team steel
cage match" with the heads from Mt. Rushmore. Lincoln and Washington
refused comment. The upcoming Politically Incorrect show will include
at least two heads. The producers hope to include Howard Stern, Wolf
Blitzer, and the girl from Dawson's Creek.
Related
Stories:
Easter Baskets you can Make Yourself
Stonehenge: What's up with that?
Flintstones Movie Flops
NATO to turn Serbia into "rubble"
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