Biopsy Results Confirm Ari Fleischer Full of Shit

4/10/03 - The results of a scientific study were interrupted as soon as it started by the subject himself, as Ari Fleischer appealed unsuccessfully to the gathered crowd of doctors and medical students that he was "simply shit-for-brains".

But once Ari was laughed out of the conference, Dr. Francis X. Crement briefed the assembly on his key findings of a six month study into the composure of the White House Press Secretary.

"We asked Ari if we could perform multiple biopsies, and he said he didn't give a shit. But it turns out he did, and quite a bit, and we've concluded that he's full of shit," said Dr. Crement rather bluntly in his introduction.

As hours passed, a host of scientists described their detailed findings and offered various explanations.

"From dozens of samples taken from around the subject's body, we found extremely high levels of bacteria commonly found in feces, abnormal for regions of the body such as the thighs, feet, upper body, cranium, and face." said Dr. Bernie Flyes, chief scientist of the study. Commenting specifically to a panelist, questioning Ari state of being "shit-faced", Dr. Flyes said it was indeed possible, but Ari was extraordinarily high on the shit list.

"It's the same shit you would find anywhere. Bullshit, chicken shit, ape-shit, you name it, and he had shitloads of it" reported Dr. Flyes.

"Dr. Flyes was instrumental in the research performed for this study. I thank the entire panel for their dedication to this project, but no one was like Flyes on shit," said Dr. Crement during his wrap up.

Electable treatment for this condition would require Ari getting the shit kicked out of him, or more severely, shoot the shit. Numerous offers have been made by the general populace to carry out this procedure for free, some with upfront cash payments, still others with comprehensive payment plans. Helen Thomas could be reached for comment.