Kim Jong Il to Leave 'Axis of Evil', Pursue Career In Fashion Industry

4/29/02 - It's been a long strange trip this year for Axis of Evil, the trio of terrorist-harboring leaders that rose to instant fame following Bush's State of the Union Address last January. Suddenly placed on the world's stage, Kim Jong Il of North Korea, President Hojjatoleslam Seyed Mohammad Khatami of Iran, and Iraq's Saddam Hussein became one of the hottest acts on the international rock circuit. But with last week's announcement of the departure of temperamental bass player Jong, the future of the Axis of Evil is in serious jeopardy.

Happier, Evilier Days - Axis of Evil jams out chart-topper "Die, Profit-Whoring Imperialists!", from their debut LP "Americans Running Amok" at the Evildoerpalooza festival, held last March at the ChevronTexaco Pavilion outside Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Pictured left to right are lead vocalist President Hojjatoleslam Seyed Mohammad Khatami of Iran, drummer and band manager Saddam Hussein, and Kim Jong II of North Korea on bass guitar. Last week Kim Jong II announced his sudden departure from the band, leaving a vacancy in the band's trademark bottom-end sound, and sending the Pentagon's war strategists in a scramble to elevate another country to the status of 'evil'. Rumors are abound that Venezuelan President Victor Chavez is the favored replacement, pending the failure of another Bush administration sponsored overthrow.

Forming in early 2001, and achieving quasi-cult status following the Attack on America in September, the overnight starlets recorded their first CD Americans Running Amok last October, featuring anti-American anthems like "Fall of 21st Century Empire", "There'll Be Turmoil If You Toil With The Oil On Our Soil", "Die, Profit-Whoring Imperialists!", a bitchin' cover of Seals and Croft's "Summer Breeze" and purportedly one hidden track recorded with Osama bin Laden, which is rumored to exist but has not yet been found.

The tour that followed took the Axis of Evil's signature brand of defiant, groundbreaking death metal to sellout crowds of evil ones across the world unfamiliar to most Americans, catering to countries that harbor regimes or factions that operate inconsistently with western requirements. From Cuba to Venezuela, Somalia to the Philippines, the legions of fans seemed to multiply with every show, as hatred grew with each far-from-over day that passed in the U.S. led War on Terrorism.

But life on the road and the daily rigors of attention from the U.S. media proved to be far too taxing for the isolationist Kim Jong Il, as the bass playing Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army was widely known to suffer paralyzing panic attacks after many show dates.

"The Americans should be well advised not to continue calling me evil!", said Jong Il during one such episode. "The U.S. Imperialists have nuclear weapons and harbor terrorists, THEY are evil!"

"Clearly, with half the world calling the other half evil, and vice versa, and most in the name of the same supreme being, the insanity of the situation drove the l'il commie videophile batty", said longtime thorn-in-the-Bush war drummer and band manager Saddam Hussein. "OK, so everyone's evil. I suppose the only thing left to do is determine who is the greater evil ... hey, you wanna see pictures of my kids?"

Yassar Arafat could not be reached for comment, per order of Ariel Sharon, who incidentally commented, "No Comment".

President Khatami of Iran was recently asked for his take on the future of the band.

"We are the identifiable faces of 'evil' as defined by American foreign policy, and for many teenage kids across the globe, that's 'cool' and 'hip'", said Khatami, who has in the past explained his being chosen over supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei for the band as "simply, a matter of stage presence". "Hussien and I will surely continue to be the Axis of Evil so long as America says we are, and there's plenty of room in the Axis of Evil for many more musicians. Soon, the whole world will be singing harmoniously against America."

While the two original member nations continue to wait for appointment of a new evil nation to join the band, Kim Jong Il has returned to his homeland, where his already enormous popularity has reached an all new euphoric level with the introduction of his DPRK clothing line at the Kuum-ni Fashion Show. Featuring his famous green "robotic military pajamas" emblazoned with the Democratic People's Republic of Korea's logo, the advertisements have been plastered all over the streets of Pyongyang, creating a fashion craze not seen since the 'shoe' was introduced here over 20 years ago.

"In a show of solidarity, all citizens of the DPRK have the right to choose to wear this outfit or die", Jong said during the premiere of the ad campaign.

Foreign governments and designers alike have heralded the new age of "far east / far right" fashion, promoting a single uniform for an entire country for easy identification by space lasers. But while the Federal Dress Codes Amendment to the USA Patriot Act seems to be swiftly moving through Congress, a few Capitol Hill critics have cried foul to the notion that Kim Jong Il has the right to call his country 'Democratic'.

"And I suppose America is a Democracy because the majority of its' citizens voted for Gore in 'an election'", Jong said of his critics, prompting America to wake up from this horrible nightmare…