2/24/02 - A group of the world's top researchers and scientists gathered for a week-long conference to examine life's major "questions, mysteries, and perplexities" and concluded that, for the most part, the answer is "Big Booty."

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Peace in the Middle East was a hot topic at the press conference following the meeting, where it was decided that the best hope for an Israeli-Palestinian accord was big booty. Similarly, it was suggested that big booty would also halt global warming concerns, solve the terrorism problem, and provide universal healthcare for the entire planet. When pressed as to why human beings are here on earth at all, the committee stated, with unequivocal certainty, "Big Booty."

Advisors close to president Bush suggest that, for all future speeches, Bush replace the phrases "The American people love freedom" and "The terrorists hate freedom" with "The American people love big booty" and "The terrorists hate big booty." Reactions to the new slogans were mixed, with especially harsh criticism coming from the left.

"The idea that Afghans are any less inclined to yearn for big booty than Americans is simply ludicrous", stated a representative of Amnesty International.

In response to the findings, a group of researchers who were not invited to the conference claimed to have found countless holes in the Big Booty Theory and spent many hours looking into them. Towards the end of the project many of the researchers were so deeply involved in the work there was no way they could pull out before the end. They were very excited, then relieved when the results were found. Critics accused the group of exploring these holes only for personal gratification, and without regard for valid scientific methods.

The controversial issue even came up in congress, when, at a hearing concerning new trade restrictions on steel imports, senate majority leader Trent Lott voted for "Big Booty."

Tom Daschle retorted, "The buttocks are lopsided, the left side is clearly hanging down,"

"Absurd! Neither of the buttocks hang low!" Lott countered.

Lott later told Nightline's Ted Koppel that Daschle's outbursts constitute a "flagrant partisan attack that undermines America's resolve in the War on Terrorism."

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	"Scientists gather to study big booty" - Scientists are often assumed to be white, conservative, and "nerdy", and uninterested in sex. - The humor lies in the contrast - that most assume that the best representative booty lover group is today's hip urban youth culture.
	"Big booty answer to everything" - This message sheds light on the phenomenological notion that nothing in this universe is really as it seems. Big Booty is as an acceptable answer as anything else, when you think about it - which is pretty funny.
	Big Booty also represents sex. In fact, from an empirical point of view, one could hardly argue that there is any purpose of life other than sex, and ultimately, procreation. In this respect, the scientists are 100% correct.
	"Bush mention" - Here the metaphor is used as a satirical criticism of the War on Terrorism. Repeatedly we are told that the "terrorists hate freedom". Anyone with reasoning ability would identify this as folly. Human beings love freedom, no matter who they are. Human beings love sex no matter who they are. The booty metaphor cleverly exposes this.
	"Researchers find holes in theory" - Here the authors use a common metaphorical phrase and apply it literally as a clever pun. The reader is torn between an image of scientists finding theoretical holes through mathematical equations and finding "real" holes, which booties inevitably have, and thus "exploring" them for "personal gratification" (i.e. with sexual, rather than professional intent)
	"Congressional Booty" - The booty metaphor is again used to represent Congress. The booty represents the partisan bickering in Congress that inevitablely erupts over every issue. In this scene, Democrats complain that the "left" cheek is sagging, representing Republican favoritism. Naturally, the Republican retorts that the cheeks are level, thereby declaring bipartisanship and fair representation across the parties. The booty can represent any political issue in this illustration. It also insinuates that Democrats and Republicans are simply cheeks that surround an "asshole", that being the U.S. Government.