Castro Refuses to Recognize Florida Until "Free and Fair Elections" Take Place

5/23/02 - It was a war of words in response to the demands made of Cuba by President Bush in Florida last week. Fidel Castro formally responded to the Bush Administration, stating simply, "Ditto".

Back in Washington, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer responded to a reporters inquiry on the Cuban retort with "Ah, touché!"

Members of the international press were on hand with Castro while he watched Monday's speech, in which Bush stated that the trade embargo between the United States and Cuba will continue unless there is significant reform and free elections in 2003. Irony has been too busy recently to be reached for comment.

"When Bush mentioned that 'the voices of the Cuban people have been suppressed, and their votes have been meaningless. That's the truth. ...', Fidel nearly choked on his stogie", remarked Greg Palast of the Observer of London. "Then he just laughed a lot. Muttered something about the U.S. 'keeping their Starbucks, Walmarts, IMF, and Reality TV Shows'"

Castro supporters point out that while political imprisonment, censorship, and torture are surely drawbacks, they don't begin to compare to the rigors of living in a "gun-toting, billboard-plastered society, where women and children are the constant victims of celebrities, congressmen, and shark attacks". Clearly, both sides are clueless.

"Hey, at least I have the gall to admit that I'm a dictator. I may not be perfect, but at least I'm honest about who I am." said Castro in a nationally televised interview. "Until Bush admits to the American people that he, with help from Jeb, deliberately disenfranchised black voters by denying them access to polling places, the people of Cuba will refuse to acknowledge Florida's existence."

An alarming number of Americans, even Texans, supports the nonexistence of Florida in a recent poll.

"My mother's a witch, I hate her! Good riddance" responded Debra Goldstein, one of many polled whose mother happens to reside in the Sunshine State. "It's a sweltering, mosquito-infested tourist trap. Politically, it exhibits the credibility of recent terrorist threats. Pawn shops, trailer parks, and the Florida Marlins? Gimme a f'n break!"

New editions of textbooks used in Cuba's grammar schools were quick to adopt President Fidel Castro's non-recognition of Florida, as seen in this updated map of North America. By denying Florida's existence, Castro has also created the perception among children that escape to the United States by boat is a nearly unachievable prospect. Disneyworld, space travel from Cape Canaveral, and the land where Elian washed ashore are now all considered "urban legends" on the l'il commie island.