Research and Development Department At Pizza Hut Grapples With Dwindling Budget While Trying To Appease Increasing Demands From Marketing In Finding New Places To Stuff Cheese

2/11/03 - The R&D department at international food behemoth Yum! Brands (formally TRICON Global) has been described by those working within the scientific community as "irascible", and this characteristic is most evident at pizza chain division Pizza Hut. Requirements from upper management that food engineers "embed cheese, everywhere, period" has rattled the already overworked staff, save for a handful of total science dorks.

Many of the same scientists that revolutionized past cheese maximization efforts are still on staff today, but even seasoned veterans are hard-pressed to conceive new places where cheese can be crammed onto a pizza.

"Inventing 'extra cheese' in the early 80s was the zenith," recalls Dr. Gregg Grubner. "There was months of work behind that. We were looking for new toppings, and it finally dawned on us to simply 'double' a previously offered item. Cheese was an obvious choice, and the impact of that innovation still reverberates in the industry today."

"But after years of adding extra cheese, then two different types of cheese, and later four, we were strapped for ideas. Six cheese pizzas were a disappointment in the marketplace. Eleven cheese pizzas were laughed out of 10,000 franchise locations nationwide. We got desperate and started baking cheese into the crust, and onto the rim of the crust, and even into the pizza dough, and still, marketing now wants more places for cheese! Enough with the fucking cheese already"

Documents obtained by Humor Is Dead show that dozens of experiments utilizing next generation cheese ingression technology (NGCIT) have been abruptly halted after failing key clinical trials. Many revolve around the concept of stuffing cheese inside other toppings, such as pepperoni, anchovies, or broccoli. One feasibility study into the stuffing of a block of mozzarella cheese into a 32 ounce Mountain Dew is still in progress.

Still another innovation, considered to be a technological quantum leap, involves taking mozzarella, cheddar, Monterey Jack and provolone, the traditional four cheeses of 'four cheese pizza' fame, and stuffing them inside one another. Dubbed the "Matryoshka X-Treme Cheeze", many combinations of the cheese-within-cheese-within-cheese-within-cheese are in early experimentation stages, and is "probably 10 to 15 years from hitting the market," according to Ed Dwy, Executive Vice President of Cheese Cramming Initiatives & Strategic Marketing.

"I do not know what the future holds," states Dr. Grubner. "Whatever it is, there'll be cheese inside it."