Bill Clinton Found in Afghani Cave

3/12/02 - The Bush administration revealed that, while Bin Laden is nowhere to be found, they did find Bill Clinton hiding in a bunker in eastern Afghanistan. The administration has been downplaying the importance of locating Bin Laden, as Republican pressure has mounted to focus on the real culprit of 9/11, Bill Clinton.

Inside sources say that, due to growing pressure, the Pentagon has refocused its military efforts and “no longer cares where Bin Laden is.” The left has challenged the president for erroneously focusing only on Bin Laden instead of on all brown third world people. Most republicans, meanwhile, have asserted that Bin Laden is not even responsible for 9/11. In fact, it is Bill Clinton who is responsible, thanks to his lack of military spending and his focus on blowjobs rather than ballistic missiles and space weapons.

“Such military spending would have definitely kept 9/11 from happening.” claimed Trent Lott.

Some Anti-American, anarchist rabble-rousers pointed out that Mohammed Atta would have received his Visa whether we had a missile defense system in place or not, and that boxcutters and missiles are fundamentally different items.

“Hogwash!” claimed John Aschcroft, before stripping down to Superman Underoos and performing a rousing rendition of “Let The Eagle Soar” and lamenting the miserable eight years of low unemployment and economic growth that we put our country through.

Clinton, now being questioned at Guantanamo Bay, claims that he was only in the cave because he was hiding from "that bitch Hillary" and that "Afghan caves are apparently the best place in the world to hide, seeing as it has worked for Mr. Bin Laden."