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The Cook Country Contortion Clinic in Skokie, IL was the target
of a bomb attack early Sunday morning. The perpetrators behind
the bombings have been called "twisted" by County
Chief Clarence Christopher, as have the victims.
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Misguided
Right-wing Extremist Bombs Contortion Clinic
Body Count Impossible To Ascertain In Blow To Misunderstood
Performers
11/4/03 -
A disturbed Jesus freak with a history of irrational behavior and
poor vision firebombed a contortion clinic yesterday, inadvertently
sending a message to contortionists across the nation that they
will not be tolerated any longer.
"Well -
he's an idiot," said one neighbor. "He's into that Left
Behind armageddon cult and he's always ranting and raving about
Jesus. But you know what? I'm not really too fond of contortionists
myself."
Because of the
wide number of people exhibiting a combination of ignorance and
right-wing extremism, lame entertainers and gymnasts around the
country have been cautioned to be alert should they continue to
perform contortions of any kind - even partial lurch contortions
- which may soon be banned under a new law.
In related
news on the same terribly lame joke:
Bush
Approves Partial Lurch Contortion Bill
11/3/03 - President Bush approved a complete ban on
partial lurch contortions, saying Americans were "not yet ready
for a ban on total contortions." He did, however, remark that
"they damn well will be with time."
Though contortions
are still legal, the partial lurch contortion is a special case.
Many legal and medical experts consider a partial lurch to be "misleading",
"sneaky", and "downright dangerous." In fact,
Pat Robertson calls them "a total affront to God."
Athletes, including
gymnasts, boxers, and baseball players who aren't fat slobs, protest
the move, saying that making all lurching contortions illegal would
be disastrous for their careers.
"What really
constitutes a partial contortion?" asked a nameless major league
baseball player. "If I'm leading off first a certain way, am
I guilty? What about when I fake a bunt?"
Mimes were also
protesting en masse at the capital, insisting that confining their
body work to only certain types of contortions was damaging to their
livelihoods. Many insisted that they will continue to perform all
sorts of contortions - including partial lurch contortions - no
matter what the government says.
"They have
no right to tell me what to do with my body!" said one mute
anti-American street mime, using very confrontational sign language.
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