Pentagon Proudly Displays Outstanding Cribbage Hand

Above: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld displays one of the best hands in cribbage, as represented by five of the captures from the now infamous 'Iraqi Most Wanted' deck of 55 playing cards. From left to right are 4§ Samir abd al Aziz al Najm , 5ª Watban Ibrahim Hasan al Tikriti , 4© Humam Abd al-Khaliq Abd al-Ghafur, 5§ Barzan Ibrahim Hasan al Tikriti, and 6© Muhammad Mahdi al-Salih. Combined, they are worth twenty-four points to the Coalition Force.

4/25/03 - In answering a poker-analogized question about the pace of the postwar Iraqi roundup, in which a member of the press noted that Iraq "still holds four aces, four kings, and the cards to form two suits of royal flush", Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld spun his answer into a living example of the headway made thus far, confidently showing that the Coalition holds a rather impressive cribbage hand.

"With just, the five low cards in the deck which, the US, the Coalition, is now, holding, the combined point total is an impressive, impressive, twenty-four points, five short of the best possible score in one, hand of cribbage," said the rarely intelligible Rumsfeld, delivering his repartee in his signature stammered, belittling tone.

Rumsfeld continued with a firestorm of Orwellian philosophizing that left much of the press core confused and sleepy. Questions regarding Rumsfeld's involvement with the Swiss-based ABB Corporation in the sale of nuclear reactors to North Korea, the cover-up when CEO of the Sealre Corporation in regards to the dangers of aspartame, or a dozen other questionable past activities were tabled in favor of inquiries softer than the Administrations' commitment to domestic issues.

Donald "Gin Rummy" Rumsfeld, as he is now purportedly nicknamed by Bush, was instrumental in the creation of the fifty-five "Iraq's Most Wanted" deck of playing cards. A full, uncut set of the deck is proudly updated by the Defense Secretary himself, most recently with Deputy Prime Minister and 8ª Tariq Aziz. But when asked by Humor is Dead about the Weapons of Mass Destruction which the US said Saddam would eventually launch against all freedom-loving people everywhere, Donald merely dodged our questions:

HID: Did you find any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Baghdad?
Rumsfeld: Go Fish

HID: Did you find any Weapons of Mass Destruction in Basra?
Rumsfeld: Go Fish

HID: Did you find any Weapons of Mass Destruction in the Kurdish North?
Rumsfeld: Go Fish

All the while, troops in Iraq continue playing countrywide"Fifty-five Pickup", with some soldiers playing for money and being rightfully penalized. They have been promised that they will be coming home by Christmas, but a year was not specified. Afghanistan could not be reached for comment.