Ctrl, Alt, Delete to Merge
Activists Fear Monopoly Would Give Less Control and Delete Alternative Points of View

Artist rendition of the proposed Ctrl, Alt, Del merger announced earlier today. Among other things, the combined keystorke would dominate the shutdown industry, sharing 90% of the market with 'powering off' and 'unplugging'.

8/27/03 - A three-way merger in the keyboard industry was announced today when Ctrl offered $2 billion in stock for the purchases of Del, as well as the privately held Alt.

Ctrl said during a morning conference call that they will close down the Del location, located in various places on the laptop keyboard, and expand headquarters next to Space Bar. Tilde could not be reached for comment.

But user groups are absolutely fucking furious.

"Having Ctrl, Alt, and Del consolidated gives less options for the consumer," said Paul Smaltz of the Keyboard Action Watch, a non-profit organization holding a press conference later in the day. "With these keys consolidated, the typist has less alternatives to accessing menu items and shortcut keys."

Smaltz also provided documentation that showed lobbyists from a pro-dependency-on-the-mouse group helped to rewrite the regulations, allowing such a merger to take place.

A $1 million dollar study conducted by Keyboard Action Watch concluded that individuals with especially fat and uncoordinated fingers are "more than 8% more likely" to hit the new CtrlAltDel key in instances where they mean to press the desired space bar. The KAW is now looking for more donations.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Ctrl responded with the following statement.

"We want to better serve the typist. Having Ctrl, Alt, Del under one management team allows us to serve you better and serve yourself faster and easier. Faster, easier, and that's better. And that's better for the American consumer."

This was following by another statement which read:

"FUCK OFF. WE ARE CORPORATE AMERICA AND WE CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT."

Incidentally a third statement faxed to Humor is Dead was simply filled with dollar signs. Does anyone get it yet?