Teenager Watched Dharma & Greg After Brutal Murders

1/28/03 - Lubbock, Texas - A teenager who confessed to beating three homeless men to death as they slept reportedly watched three episodes of Dharma & Greg after committing the crimes. Jim Jones, a quiet loner who liked to watch a lot of television, frequently watched Greg and Dharma, according to witnesses.

“Dharma & Greg was on every night in that home,” said prosecuting attorney Ayn L. Toyman. The appointed court psychologist pointed out that a large number of people watch Dharma & Greg, and actually believe there is nothing “unusual” or “suspect" about the content.

“The episodes Mr. Jones watched that night on the local channel, FOX 5, were especially seditious. In the first episode, Greg’s parents meet Dharma’s parents, and disturbingly contrary behavior ensues when conservative, uptight, upper-class folks and liberal ex-hippie welfare leeches are forced to mix. In the 11:30 time slot, Jones witnessed hilarity when Greg smokes pot and wears love beads in an attempt to identify with Dharma’s parents. In the third episode, Dharma pretends she has an MBA and voted for Reagan as a child in an attempt to impress Greg’s parents. In all three, the two characters came to a lighthearted, mutual understanding intended to make the audience feel comfortable and serving to strengthen the relationship.

“Yes I watch the show regularly,” claimed Jones. “But, Christ - it’s on every damn night and I don’t have cable. You expect me to watch Nightline?” The shocking confession caused a hush in the courtroom as observers saw the tide turn against the suspected killer.

“This is disturbing. Very disturbing, indeed,” snorted Strom Thurmond.

“I believe we must make a motion to spend $482 billion on a string of senate ethics hearings to get to the bottom of this show – and it’s damaging effects on impressionable youth," said a particularly ruffled sentimental senatorial sentinel. “We’ll make sure this filth is forever banished from our homes.”

“Same thing with Will and Grace Under Fire!” shouted an unidentified grizzled old man from somewhere within the deep dark bowels of the senate floor, before vaporizing into a ghostly form and floating through the wall.

A democratic senator voiced reservation, and was immediately bound, shackled, and sent to Guantanamo Bay with a potato sack over his head that said “Terrorist” (formerly the sack said “Made In China”), as he damn well deserved.