Americans Told To Buckle Up
Tom Ridge Urges Vigilance In Road Safety; Entire Towns Duct Tape Themselves

The Goodrods of Pine Nut, AR. (Dog not pictured, as it died of suffocation)

2/14/03 - With the terrorist threat level at Sunkist for over a week, Americans are scrambling to be the first to "buckle up" as they get into their SUVs for the morning commute. Tom Ridge, Head Homeland Honcho, urged Americans to remain vigilant and wear their seatbelts at all times. Ridge outlined other precautions, including looking both ways before crossing the street, utilizing both the left AND right side view mirrors, and slowing down cautiously for yellow traffic signals.

"Americans, remain vigilant. Come to a complete stop. Watch out for pedestrians. When it comes to bicycles, share the road!" a grave Ridge intoned.

Special precautions were urged for folks living in the middle of nowhere or surrounding cities of absolutely no financial or cultural importance to the United States.

"Hey, by using our seat belts, practicing safe sex, building bomb shelters, wearing gas masks, and taping up all our windows for the big attack, we feel like we're part of the team - the winning team. We're doing our part."

The Rutledges, who live at 132 Elm Lane in Beacon Falls, Kansas, were proud to be the first on the block to tape up their windows.

"We bought at least 20 dozen rolls of duct tape down at Wal-Mart," said Fred Rutledge, "and we've got more tape than anyone on the block, yessiree." Indeed not a single ray of light shines through the Rutledge windows, including the solitary window of the shed out back.

Jim Goodrod, of Pine Nut, Arkansas, went a step further, and wrapped his whole family in duct tape. Jim punched small holes near his family's mouths that would never let Anthrax in, in order that they be able to breathe and drink liquids. Today, every citizen in Pine Nut is wrapped in duct tape from head to toe. "Let me point out that I was the first to do it!" Jim exclaims.

The village of Little Stone, Kentucky has erected a mosquito net that drapes the whole town. "We're prepared for the terrorist attack coming our way," says the town's mayor. "They're not touching our general store or our blueberry field!"