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 Humor
Is Dead Exlucisve:
Bush Follows-Up On His Environmental Plans For Military
2/27/03 -
In his State of the Union address last month, President Bush
outlined aggressive environmental initiatives, strengthening his
already
impressive environmental record. The new plan calls for the
reduction of harmful pollutants, an emphasis on renewable materials
in bomb-making, and the use of alternative energy sources for weapon
detonation. (click the images for larger pics)
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| Above:
Vice President Dick Cheney attempts to obstruct a cameraman's
view of the new H2 Hydrogen Tank during the middle of a press
conference held by ERA head Christine Norton, seen in background
with President Bush and an unnamed warmonger. Cheney's knee-jerk
reaction to the presence of the camera brought a lighthearted
round of guffaws from the press. |
The H2 Hydrogen
Tank
Bush's plan calls for a sharp decrease on oil dependence - for tanks
and B-52 bombers. Rather than oil, this new generation of battle machines
will run entirely on Hydrogen.
"Water
is plenty. Water has hydrogen. In fact, water has twice as much
hydrogen as oxygen. Water goes into the tank, hydrogen burns, and
oxygen comes out. Our emissions will be giving back to the environment.
We will be providing oxygen to the trees. And to human beings, who
need it to breathe."
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New
Uses for Plastic Six-Pack Holders
Bush also calls for the immediate disuse of plastic six-pack holders,
as they pose an environmental risk to birds and other wildlife that
tend to get caught in them. Instead, they will be used as traps in
Iraq - Bush's idea of environmentally-safe landmines used to ensnare
the enemy - without inflicting mortal injury or harming the environment.
"We will
lay the traps in the desert sand and provoke the enemy into marching.
Once the enemy encounters the hidden six-pack ring field, the battle
will be over. We won't even need to shackle them for their trip
to Gitmo."
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Solar-Powered
Weapons
Solar-powered weapons were high on Bush's list of safer alternatives
to nuclear fallout or the destruction of civilian infrastructure.
Instead of guided missiles, Bush plans on installing a large magnifying
glass in space to harness the sun's energy and "fry those evildoers
like ants." The president also hinted at using solar power here
at home - but not until all the oil is used up and "every last
penny is squeezed from America's reserves around the world." |
Recyclable
Drone Aircraft
Unmanned aircraft will be made entirely of recyclable material and
will be processed in the same way beer and soda cans are processed
in New York City - by being thrown in the garbage or left to rot on
the street. However, should Iraqis choose to recycle any shot-down
drones, they can be processed in a recycling plant and used as coke
cans at a cost of only $3 million per craft. |
Bunker Busters
Assumed to be among the most widely-used weapons in the War On Terror,
bunker busters shall be equipped with safe biodegradable shrapnel
treated with holy water that, rather than kills the enemy, envelopes
the victim with Christian virtues and self-doubt in Islamic beliefs.
Body bags will also soon be biodegradable, so any army-ordered surpluses
don't end up lying around in landfills for years to come. The material
will be made of the same material used for edible underwear found
at amusing sex gift retail stores and catalogs. |
Gravity-Powered
Bombs
Perhaps the most innovative technology calls for the use of gravity-powered
bombs. "Gravity!" Bush exclaimed. "Free. Harmless.
Natural. I propose that any bomb dropped on Iraq be powered by gravity
- an infinitely renewable resource with virtually no adverse environmental
effects." Scientists
and journalists alike called the revelation "incredible."
There was little surprise that the idea won clamorous applause, save
for a few leftists who expressed doubt. They were shackled and detained
without attorney privileges, as they damn well deserved. |
Hot Air
Special devices will be set up across Washington during congressional
sessions and press conferences to capture air, contain it in bags,
and use to power unmanned military hot air balloons without having
to burn fossil fuels. |
Childproof Grenades
Mrs. Roberts 2nd grade class at Arlington Elementary School has a
show-n-tell featuring the widely anticipated childproof hand grenade,
a next-generation biodegradable grenade which makes it impossible
for children to pull the pin. The Bush Administration hopes that the
childproof grenade will save the lives of hundreds of kids fighting
in wars worldwide. |
Ad Bombs
These bombs, when detonated, will transform any terrorist camp or
mosque into a working replica of Times Square or Vegas, causing the
enemy to succumb to the attractive American way of life - great product
offers, gambling, and endless neon amusement. Ad bombs also offer
great branding opportunities for sponsors (entirely funded by private
sector rather than with taxpayer money - another plus.) |
Creation of
New Oil Fields
Concentrations of dead carbon-based evildoers will continue to
supply new oil fields for future generations of oil companies. Here,
an illustration depicts the "cycle of oil", critical to
the future success of the US Energy Policy. |
