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ExxonMobil Acquires Monolith

12/27/01 - Humankind was doomed to an eternity without alternative energy solutions Monday when ExxonMobil announced it had purchased the Monolith. The giant granite slab, purportedly the essence of all knowledge within the known universe, was recently discovered in the Arctic Natural Wildlife Refuge within an Eskimo village that was protecting it from the regions' recent blitzkrieg of oil explorers. A spokesman from the profit-whoring oil monster said the company has plans to take the Monolith to the site of the Exxon Valdez spill and "shove it in the faces of the locals and order them to obey", followed by some promotional dates in next year's NASCAR circuit. The "Star Child" could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, HAL has been abducted by the US Justice Department to be used as a model for the next generation of face-recognition modules to be placed within the nations' ATM machines. Developing...


---reader submission---
Idiots Rule
Hey now - this is America and Exxon creates jobs. Actually - since it required so many people to clean that mess up, I wouldn't just take away the fine...I'd give them a government subsidy for a few million! Incidentally, from now on, I dump all my garbage right into my street - right out the window. Creates jobs! Those migrant street cleaners are happy, and the economy gets that little push it needs! After I dump my garbage, I bust into the YMCA and bust some heads wide open - creates jobs for the medical community! Then I get in my car and veer all over the street, smashing into buildings and other cars. Creates jobs for the legal profession, auto body shops, and construction workers! I should get a fuckin medal for my economic work! Then at work, I fudge all the numbers and lie about our revenues to all our investors. The stock price rises! Creates more jobs!

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