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- Humankind was doomed to an eternity without alternative energy
solutions Monday when ExxonMobil announced it had purchased the
Monolith. The giant granite slab, purportedly the essence of all
knowledge within the known universe, was recently discovered in
the Arctic Natural Wildlife Refuge within an Eskimo village that
was protecting it from the regions' recent blitzkrieg of oil explorers.
A spokesman from the profit-whoring oil monster said the company
has plans to take the Monolith to the site of the Exxon Valdez
spill and "shove
it in the faces of the locals and order them to obey", followed
by some promotional dates in next year's NASCAR circuit. The "Star
Child" could not be reached for comment.
In a related story,
HAL has been abducted by the US Justice Department to be used
as a model for the next
generation of face-recognition modules to be placed within the
nations' ATM machines. Developing...
Hey now - this is America and Exxon creates jobs. Actually - since
it required so many people to clean that mess up, I wouldn't just
take away the fine...I'd give them a government subsidy for a few
million! Incidentally, from now on, I dump all my garbage right
into my street - right out the window. Creates jobs! Those migrant
street cleaners are happy, and the economy gets that little push
it needs! After I dump my garbage, I bust into the YMCA and bust
some heads wide open - creates jobs for the medical community! Then
I get in my car and veer all over the street, smashing into buildings
and other cars. Creates jobs for the legal profession, auto body
shops, and construction workers! I should get a fuckin medal for
my economic work! Then at work, I fudge all the numbers and lie
about our revenues to all our investors. The stock price rises!
Creates more jobs!