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7/25/04 - FOX News has won the bid with the US Government to be the exclusive provider of all "liberations" to be bestowed upon the world for the 2005-2008 season, assuming easily manipulated voting systems go unchecked as planned. Or, Plan B, in which the election is outright canceled.

The announcement came via the jumbotron from a beaming Roger Ailes late last Foxday, a newspeak term for Friday trademarked by Rupert Murdoch, who is undoubtedly the biggest asshole ever to come out of Australia, with the possible exception of Jacko.

Coverage of American interventions will be "repackaged for American consumption," according to Gary McNabe, Senior Vice President of Flashy Graphics and Reality Manipulation. 24 hour war coverage will be shown on the recently announced new reality show cable channel, and will feature special programs weeknights from 6-11pm on its flagship FOX Network. FOX News is expected to be renamed "FOX Reality News" and offer additional commentary and insight to a market segment of functional illiterates, nonfunctional illiterates, and the lobotomized.

Along with the funneling of taxpayer money directly into the pockets of FOX, the deal, partly coordinated by FCC head Michael Powell, grants FOX jurisdiction of at least one army battalion to ensure placement of their channels by the nation's cable providers. The agreement also ensures that FOX-owned stations will be guaranteed placement on channels 2 through 99, allowing for high-defintion, Spanish-speaking, and other variants of their cable channels to appear within a single-block of cable bandwidth. Stations not owned by FOX will be randomly assigned channel numbers 100 through 36,980, which will be determined hourly by a lottery system.

When asked about the legality of the contract with the government, and the enforcement of channel placement, nobody responded. However, a little red flag was checked off in a database somewhere, ensuring the name of this writer placement on whatever report may be generated one day.