Pope, Church Outraged by Good Friday Incidents

3/29/02 - The Catholic Church strongly condemned Israel and Palestine for greedily grabbing world headlines on Good Friday and upstaging Christianity on its holy day. A source close to the Vatican reported that his Holiness was upset that Christian strife was overshadowed by Arab and Jewish clashes on a day normally given over to more Christian-related media exposure.

The New Weeping Wall

The church called for a "rash of missionaries" to be unleashed on the world to bring Christianity, death, and destruction to the masses. "You are either with us or against us," he claimed. For good measure, the church called for "A few good bombings as soon as possible" in order to bring Good Friday headlines back to Christians where they belong. The church made it's intentions clear when thousands of jesus freaks descended on the "weeping wall" in Jerusalem and covered the holy site with a banner proclaiming Jesus' greatness. The group "Jews for Jesus" was reportedly overjoyed.

"Bombs went off on Passover and Ramadan in Israel," said the Pontiff. "It is time we Christians had our due. We didn't conduct two thousand years of crusades, massacres, and forced conversions for nothing. What do those Jews think we are? Chopped Liver? We deserve a piece of Israel too, beotches!" Christianity is hoping for at least a 25% ratings share on CNN on this year's Good Friday.

The church stopped short of advocating suicide bombings, admitting that Christians are not so stupid as to kill themselves in the name of anything - except maybe oil.