Halle Berry, Tim Burton Wed in Private Weekend Ceremony
Actress Takes Filmmaker's Name; Secures Government Contracts as "Halle Burton"

4/2/03 - Since taking Tim Burton's name in marriage at a quiet ceremony in the Cayman Islands last weekend, actress Halle Burton (née Berry) has "received volumes of congratulatory letters from various government agencies," claims a source close to the actress, that lucky bastard.

That isn't all. Millions of dollars from unknown sources have been wired to Halle's bank account, all since her wedding day. But as it turns out, a simple clerical error is to blame for the flood of contracts and money, explains the Cayman Islands marriage officer who discovered his error.

"When filling out forms, I was thinking 'Halle' but wrote 'Halli'. In filing the marriage certificate with the government of the Caymans, an accidental change-of-address at the bank isn't impossible to imagine, knowing how things are done around here," noted the marriage officer who didn't wish to be identified as Bret Parry, PO Box 8439H, Grand Cayman.

Soon thereafter, moneys intended for Halliburton went to Halle Burton. Rhett Addy, a bank officer at KPMG on the islands confirmed the theory of the marriage officer that set the confusion into play. Looking at the certificate for Halle Burton, then the name Halliburton, then back to Halle, then Halliburton, he said, "E, I, E, I. Oh."

Nobody seems to understand how this Halliburton change-of-address replicated all the way through to the address databases at the federal level. The GAO would investigate, but even they know where their money comes from. At this hour, millions of people continue to watch the news channels looking for answers.

Meanwhile, Halle revealed the contents of some of the mail she has been receiving as of late.

"I was notified that a subsidiary of mine won an Iraqi oil firefighting contract, and I didn't even place a bid! I also received approval to build new cells at Gitmo, and then just yesterday I was informed via courier letter that a 36 million dollar deal was in the works to build a new American Embassy in Baghdad. That, and all the money that's still pouring in. I want to thank Sally my agent, and Darryl the Fed-Ex guy, Fred Hessler at First Mutual of..." said Halle right before her mike was cut off.

Halle was also informed that she 'needn't worry about the Iran allegations', per 'an executive order' currently being drafted. Nor would she be questioned about dealing with Saddam prior to the war, human rights violations in Burma, or anywhere else.

"I apparently received nearly 4 billion in government contracts in the late 90s. How weird is that?"