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Hell Outsourced To India
Multi-armed Ganesh Able To Discipline Four Workers At Once

Submitted by Matt St. Jean & Nate Rivers

5/12/04 - HELL - In a stunning departure from Biblical tradition, Hindu gods will replace the functions of evil workers on all Nine Levels of Hell. The decision was reached after months of top-secret negotiations between Heaven, Hell and several potential bidders. The transformed company will leverage many of the redundant evil delivery systems of the monotheistic Western religions and Hinduism.

Asked about the impact of the outsourcing effort on the business model, the former CEO, Satan, explained, “The Eastern cultural trappings will certainly change the customer presentation somewhat, but I think our Western consumers will adjust. I’ve been told the ROI differentials are really impressive.” Sitting glumly in a small apartment in Hoboken, Satan leaned back on a couch he got out of a dumpster and put his cloven hooves up on a milk crate. “I won’t get into the details of my settlement, but I will say it was not generous.”

“My hands were tied. The board went with the recommendations of an independent consulting group. I have to admit, we kind of shot ourselves in the foot. We’ve collected a lot of data over the years, and the research shows that, quite simply, Evil is Evil,” Satan said.

Similarities notwithstanding, some consumers claim to have already noticed a difference. “Plagues used to be nice and traditional, like rats and locusts. But when I got stalked by a Bengal tiger with eight legs in the mall by the food court, I knew something big was going down,” said Steven Flanders of Biltsburgh, PA.

A press release issued by Hell’s Lowest Level reported that business would continue uninterrupted, and that Hell would continue accepting tenants at the current location for some time to come. “There are plans on the table to relocate the facility, but please be assured there will be no interruption in services. We are currently reviewing a contract for the bulk transport of banished souls. Until such an agreement is signed, we are committed to keeping the Pit open,” said a spokesdemon on Hell’s Seventh Level.

Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction who has been appointed Interim Executive Director of Monotheistic Evil for the Western Sphere, could not be reached for this story. However, lesser Hindu demons are reportedly ecstatic at the change. “No longer will we be confined in the West to terrorizing convenience stores and gas stations,” growled a nameless Rakshasa from her temporary throne of blood in an industrial zone on the fringes of Houston.

Neither Christ nor God Himself was available for comment, but Heaven’s spokesman St. Peter commented, “I do sympathize with the Devil. I’m under constant pressure to streamline. Like any modern organization, public or private, we must keep all our options on the table. I don’t care whether your business is torment or eternal bliss, it’s basically a record-keeping and logistics operation, and that means there’s a lot of fixed cost overhead,” said St. Peter.

The exact number of workers employed by Hell is unknown, but is believed to number in the billions. The potential shock to the real-world economy is difficult to calculate. Hell says that placement services are being made available to all affected employees, and the Lobbying Association of America has announced plans to hold a job fair on Hell’s Fourth-Level Plain of Tendons.

There is no word yet from the new organization on whether beef-eating Americans will be immediately subject to Hindu laws prohibiting the killing of cows, but cattle futures were down sharply in late-day trading.

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