Humor Is Dead - President's Cat Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike on Pakistan

President's Cat Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike on Pakistan

3/2/02 - The Bush Administration faced tough questions to promptly ignore Monday when it was revealed that the accidental launch of a long-range Minuteman III missile preprogrammed for Pakistan was caused by the President's cat India. The launch, which startled most, but not all of the District's morning commuters, luckily contained a commonly-used and defective guidance system and landed safety off the coast of North Carolina next to the other one.

However, the questions remain. How did India manage to launch missiles at Pakistan? Did he act alone?

"You will never know the truth", said Ari Fleischer at a noontime press conference. "It's called 'executive privilege', and get used to it. We are the executives in power, and we are the privileged."

Once the crisis was averted and Washington returned to its' normal level of paranoia, Bush showed his lighter, less-Tyrant-sounding side, and tried to downplay the irony expelled by the Presidential Pussy.

"Ironic? No. India is an unironicable cat, just playing with buttons. My dogs Barney and Spotty are the smart ones in this White House", Bush said unawarely.

White House Photographer Larry Johnsonbaugh catches India on the President's 'Doomsday Launch Panel', located in the top right drawer of the desk in the Oval Office. The long range Minuteman III missile can be seen in the background approximately 15 seconds after its' launch from Andrews AFB outside Washington D.C.

Further insight into the legitimacy of the puss-induced tactical strike was offered by the news staff from AOL, GE, and Disney. "Frankly, everyone is writing satire these days", commented Bob Spankme, Vice President of the Depleting Standards Department at the National Press Club. "With worldwide Wars on Terrorism and Drugs heavily misreported by us or dictated to us, there's little else for us to do but make up stories that are defiantly not true. Yet, given the current state of the nation, they're still remotely possible". The Pentagon could not be reached for comment, but in a press release late in the day stated that it indeed had knowledge that the incident may have taken place, then released a second press release indicating the prior could have been false.

In a totally unrelated story, a Congressional subcommittee will form to look into allegations from several White House groundskeepers that claim they heard President Bush exclaim "Either it's our oil, or you become oil" while on the speakerphone with Pakistani Prime Minister General Pervez Musharraf early this morning. The White House is expected to issue an Executive Order just in case anyone in the press has the nerve to ask.