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Vajpayee, Musharraf to Settle Kashmir Dispute in the Ring

6/12/02 - Atal Behari Vajpayee, Prime Minister of India, and Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf announced to little fanfare yesterday they will be taking their respective nation's differences to the ring. The startling decision was based on a landslide online election where the two contenders were picked by 47% of the online voting population. "What the hell, you know? I figure I'll open a can of whoop ass, and show the world who's the Sultan of South Asia." "The Sultan", as Vajpayee is now calling himself, also stated that he is in top fighting condition, and should have no problem winning the fight for Kashmir. The two leaders will be the next title bout on the weekly television series "Celebrity Boxing", headlining three other matches: Kelsey Grammer vs. Bruce Hornsby, and Ron Jeremy vs. Jesse Jackson, and Hall vs. Oates.

"There is no doubt in my mind Pakistan will emerge victorious. I will not let my people down" quoted Pervez "The Bomb" Musharraf. "I've been working on my left jab a lot, and I'm planning on fighting the first two rounds southpaw to throw him off." The two leaders have decided that the winner of the three-round bout will take sole and final possession of the long disputed land. Pakistan's Director of National Security has stated all the necessary documents are prepared, and the loser will sign the final treaty immediately following the fight. India's officials have agreed to the terms. Don King is involved somehow.

The fight will be hosted in a temporary studio erected in Kashmir to emphasize the significance of the event. Security forces on hand will be prepared to handle the worst, including suicide bombings, guerrilla interference, and even possible unwarranted nuclear holocaust. Because of the fight's location, FOX studios has employed a private third party team to handle possible trouble during the show. Head of Security for the fight, local Mohammed Abdul Al Akarta Omar Hamas, spoke on the current state of protection in and around the ring. "We are honestly prepared for anything. We have legions of our private suicide bombers prepared to suicide bomb their suicide bombers should they attempt to suicide bomb the event. We've really taken this suicide bombing to a new level. We're very proud."

American officials were ecstatic at the word that this war would be settled between the ropes rather than between the silos. President Bush was available for comment, but only asked, "Am I baked?" Dick Cheney was unable to be reached at the hospital for comment, however we were able to obtain exclusive media contact with a maintenance person at a nearby Wendy's. Apparently, the large chili has been removed from the dollar menu in lieu of a smaller size. More as it develops.