Catholic Church Furious Over Introduction of Carb-Free Eucharist by Famed Dietitian
Atkins "Jesus Jerky" Brand Communion Wafers Labeled "Blasphemous" By Vatican; Faithful Leaders of Atkins Expected to Split from Church

Above: A sample size of newly introduced Atkins "Jesus Jerky" Brand Communion Wafers, the center of heated controversy within the Catholic Church. While the Church acknowledges the dietary needs of its' parishioners, it refuses to replace the traditional "body of Christ" with beef jerky. Pictured is original "Holy-Smoked" flavor. Below: In this file photo from 2000, Dr. Atkins responds to the concerns of the Atkins faithful by investigating firsthand the claims that the body of Christ is actually made from bread. The encounter, resulting in refusal of the Eucharist, led to the development of Atkins line of alternate communal wafers.

3/10/03 - Catholic Church leaders have called for the excommunication of best-selling author and famed carbohydrate counter Dr. Atkins. The line of dietary food products bearing his name has recently launched beef-based communion wafers, available in a whole host of flavors, including original "Holy-Smoked", "Teriyaki of Temptation", "Hot-n-Spicy Son of God", and "Turkey H. Christ".

Dr. Atkins contacted Humor Is Dead for an exclusive interview, or, yah, something like that.

"Folks that were faithful to my diet had been telling me for years that the traditional communal cracker were giving them 'divine indigestion'. Turns out the 'body of Christ' was loaded with carbohydrates - eating it would be a cardinal sin for followers of my diet."

Since the introduction of Atkins "Jesus Jerky" Brand Communion Wafers, Archdioceses across America have denounced the "diet demon", calling on the Vatican to take a formal position on the controversy.

Father Billy Williams of Salt Lick, Nebraska summed it up pointedly.

"I'll tell you what the Pope oughta do. Take that "red scarlet letter A" from the packaging of his food products and tattoo it to his forehead!. Heathen!"

Dr. Atkins was calm and comfortable in his rebuttal.

"Oh yah, I'm the one being sacrilegious. First, they are ritualistically eating the body of their savior. And second, this is the "body of Christ', right? Shouldn't it be made of meat? I refuse to believe that the Savior was so high in carbos."

(Catholic Church leaders contend that the communion wafer is symbolic of bread that is "unrisen". The "bread rising" by eating it symbolizes Christ's ascension into heaven, which according to church officials is free of the innuendoes associated with "meat rising", an issue which now more than ever they don't want to touch... er, address)

"Any religion that uses a means of execution as a symbol of their faith seems peculiar to me. And hanging one up, with a dying martyr nailed to it mind you, and placing it behind an altar is, well, is just darn creepy," Atkins continued to rant.

Dr. Atkins had another hurdle before acceptance with the Catholic followers of his diet: how to deal with the "no meat rule" on Fridays during lent.

"I'll admit, I've overlooked that stipulation in the Catholic rulebook. But I'm proud to announce the solution: Atkins 'Chee-sus-Christ' Brand Cheese Crisps. Available in three divine flavors: The Feta Father, The Sharp Cheddar Son, and the Holy Gorgonzola. Great for Good Friday, Good for a Great Snack, Anytime!™"

(We suggested that Dr. Atkins may want to parody the Snickers ad from a few years back for the Cheese Crisp television spot. Depicting Christ on the cross with the voice-over "not going anywhere for a while" could be a underground comedic hit.)

When asked about the wine, signifying the blood of Christ, Dr. Atkins endorsed its' use in the Eucharist, but in doing so found a chance to get in a few parting shots at Catholicism.

"The blood of Christ? That's fine ... only 2 grams of carbos per serving. If you must, sure, go ahead and drink the blood, just try to keep under 3 glasses of blood a day, freaks. Happy Easter."