Sex With Kittens Does NOT Cure Cancer, Say Experts

3/31/04 - Despite some optimistic but unfortunately flawed beliefs, sex with kittens, though it may sound like a good idea to some, is not a cure for cancer. Researchers at the Institute for Devious Bestial Practices teamed up with the National Cancer Center to confirm their theories. Indeed, in seven of every ten cases there was no causal relationship between kitten sex and cancer remission. In the other 30% of cases, results were inconclusive.

Two-faced Kittens Also Out

To increase public awareness about the sex with kittens issue, the Bush administration has spent over $3 million for television advertisements to be aired throughout the NCAA basketball tournament. In the ads, a number of kitten sexaholics admit that sex with kittens not only did not cure cancer, it also caused widespread terrorism.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) stepped in and decried the ads, saying that terrorists are animals too and, as such, deserve to enjoy good sex "as much as any other creature on this planet."

In other animal-related news, North Korea once again referred to the U.S. and its policies as "bestial", in addition to being "imperialist", "evil" and "loony." China provided a typically lukewarm response to the issue, questioning the use of kittens in the kitchen as long as dogs are available.