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Hannity
and Kitty Debuts on FOX News
Following Death and Reincarnation, Colmes is Still a Pussy
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The Fair & Balanced Tire Center at which Alan Colmes was
struck and killed last month. Witnesses said a car that had
just completed service at the F&B Tire Center was exiting
the garage when it suddenly jeered right and struck Colmes.
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12/5/03
- Executives at FOX ensured viewers that the popular Hannity
& Colmes format "remains virtually intact" following
Monday night's retooled Hannity & Kitty debut. The
show pairs right-wing asshat Sean Hannity with "Kitty",
a six month old Maine Coon believed to be the reincarnation of "liberal"
"commentator" Alan Colmes, who was struck and killed at
a Fair & Balanced Tire Center earlier this year.
The inaugural
show picked up where the pair last left - discussing the hot topics
of the day and how it's all Clinton's fault.
In discussing
Clinton's role in the latest Michael Jackson boy-groping-licking-sucking
scandal, a heated exchange erupted between the cohosts that, in
this reporters opinion, solidifies the fact that the viewpoint volley
between left and right remains intact.
Hannity:
And in his eight years, I mean, the crumbling family values
in the White House, a signal that unchristian, unorthodox, and
extramarital sex has been given the green light? Kitty?
Kitty:
mew
 Hannity:
No, no no, you're wrong. You're wrong, stupid, and I'll
tell you why. Americans learn by what they see on TV, and to see
the president lie to the American people on TV, he lied,
not to just anyone, but to America, and to have him with the cigar
and the intern and the immoral, uh, fluidfeasting, and
Americans, they think this is OK behavior. I have numbers here.
Each year Clinton was in office, this is the National Foundation
for the Advancement of Christian Morals reported that, and I'm
quoting here, the morality index of this country went down an
average of 9.4% per year. Per year. That's a cumulative
drop of 624%!
Kitty:
<scrambles off camera to play with catnip>
Hannity:
And the drugs?! What's with you liberals and all the DRUGS!
In a related
story, the New Jersey Generals suffered another bitter defeat at
the hands of the Harlem Globetrotters by a score of 156-24 earlier
today. Spectators say command of the game by Globetrotters went
full-throttle following a play in which Jerome "Sweet Cheeks"
Sweeney gave New Jersey General Sam Lolance a massive wedgie and
hung him from the basket - a play that went unnoticed by the officials.
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