It was a fine way to answer critics and terrorize the Afghan countryside. But this time around the stakes are higher. Innocuous foodstuffs that look like bombs are one thing. Food stuffs that kill you more slowly and more painfully than bombs is another, more cynical approach.

The U.S. Director of Biochemical Warfare chose Lunchables since, well, they really don't constitute "food."

"Lunchables are actually vacuum-packed, high-density lumps of various semi-organic waste matter. Studies have shown that ingesting such material causes Attention Deficit Disorder, high blood pressure, incompetence and incontinence. We feel we have done sufficient testing on the population here in the Homeland, and we're 'ready for prime time', so to speak."

Studies show that, with enough Lunchables in a population's food supply, the entire populace can be turned into an ineffectual herd of obese, impressionable, walking medical disasters.

"Given such scenario and enough time, we hope to march into Iraq and take over with little resistance. Hell...it's worked before in the field studies we've conducted here in the states," said a spokesman for President Bush.