At a press conference before meeting with European Union officials in Brussels Thursday, Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix shows some of the specimens found at the ammunition storage area investigated earlier in the day. Blix was quoted as saying "Zee messege-a ve-a vunt tu breeng tu Beghded is, zee seetooeshun is fery tense-a und fery dungeruoos und iferybudy vunts tu see-a a fereeffied und credeeble-a deesermement ooff Ireq"

UN Inspectors Find Eleven Mickey Mantle Rookie Cards in "Mint" Condition

1/17/03 - UN Inspectors found eleven Mickey Mantle rookie cards in "mint" condition at an ammunition storage area in southern Iraq on Thursday, and the cards were not reported in Iraq's declaration meant to account for "all collectible sports cards," a UN spokesman said.

"This is a grievous affront", said Donald Rumsfeld, who was turned down personally by Saddam in a three-way deal that would have sent seven Pete Rose, eight Mark McGwire, and two Ted Williams rookie cards to Iraq for seven highly-coveted 1952 Mantles.

I was ready to make the deal back in 1982, claims Rumsfeld, who was assured that Iraq harbored no such Mickey Mantle rookie cards. Instead, Saddam offered the entire Topps 1967 set for the cards - a deal Rumsfeld begrudgingly agreed to in 1983.

Iraq insists that no Mickey Mantle rookie cards exist in Iraq. Any use of such cards - for trade or for any other amusements - would result in a violation of the Global Sports Memorabilia Collectors Federation and would cause instability in baseball card markets worldwide.

"Evidence that Iraq was holding out on the valuable rookie cards is proof that Saddam hoped to create a baseball card market that was heavily stacked in his favor. We have no choice now but to let the bunker busters bust and the patriot missiles...uh...be patriotic...like the Patriot Act...and...uh...the New England Patriots!" Bush exclaimed at an emergency meeting of nerdy middle-aged baseball card collectors held at the Paramus, NJ Hilton Conference Center.