Analysts: Mattel's Merging of Boys and Girls Business Units May Have Undesired Consequences
Top Executives Pushed "One Big Unit" For Years Say Stockholders, Nader

3/7/03 - Mattel's announcement to merge their boys and girls business units last week has been met with a barrage of protests from every conceivable angle. From Wall Street analysts and investors, to homophobe parents and the Christian Right, to the children themselves, many have expressed their concern over the next-generation of epicene toys, many of which coming from established toys within Mattel's empire.

Above: An unhappy child clutches his new VW Jetta Hot Wheels station wagon from the "Let's Go To The GAP" Action Set. The first set of gender-neutral toys have already disturbed parents and children alike, as shown by sales figures. Right: Two kids are bored to tears while playing with their Hot Wheels Jetta.

Investment bankers were immediately concerned about the name of the new business unit.

"Can someone tell me, please, what do they propose to call a merged boy and girl division? Penigina? Venis? I don't think the management at Mattel has completely thought this through," said internationally renowned financier George A. Thorton Sr.

Regardless, the newly merged division has already launched a few gender-neutral versions of their traditional toy lines this week, and according to some key executives, the merged boys/girls unit already has an uphill battle.

"Early sales figures from the Hot Wheels line of gender-neutral die-cast models of Chevy Cavaliers and Volkswagon Jettas look awfully bleak," said Vice President of Domestic Sales Bob Cobb. We can only hope our Hot Wheels Saturn Coupe Action Set can turn these numbers around somewhat."

The action sets themselves are designed to appeal to boys and girls alike. Gone are the crazy loops and twirls of traditional race tracks, replaced with brand name store parking lots, interstate highway toll booths, and cul-de-sacs.

Meanwhile, mothers and daughters nationwide spoke openly about what may come of their adored American Girl dolls as a result of the merger. Harold Madison, a consultant with the toy company, confirmed their fears.

With Mattel's decision to go neutral, Jim Roberts, a project manager at rival toy maker Hasbro, is trying to resell management his idea for a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell GI Joe figure. Jerry Farwell was available for comment, but was excused.

"She'll probably have a real homely, androgynous look." said Madison. "Not lesbian, but she definitely will not be what you would consider 'beautiful'. I'll probably suggest that we market the merged American Girl, like 'All children need love', or 'She's got a face only a mother could love', or, yah"

And as expected, religious extremist Jerry Falwell expressed his outrage over the perceived co-ed living arrangements for Ken and Barbie under the new management structure.

"What Mattel would like our children to believe," ranted Falwell, "is that these icons of their childhood live together under one roof, and that it is OK. It's not OK, not by me, not by the Lord Jesus Christ."

In a related story, a project manager at rival Hasbro has attempted to re-engage management on his idea for a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" G.I. Joe Action Set, a concept on the shelf since the mid-90s.