Bush Misheard When Telling Graduates to "Jump Off a Bridge"
FOX Scrambles to Get Promos of New Presidential Initiative on the Air

The FOX marketing department has enlisted the services of former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth, accompanied by lyrical masterpiece "Jump" to serve as soundtrack, to FOX's new live prime-time series "Jump Off a Bridge". With Diamond Dave as host, the show will feature lawmakers, cable news celebrities, and thousands of lucky viewers that every week will have the chance to prove their unmitigated devotion to the President by heeding his words and jumping off a bridge. At bottom-right, Sean Hannity is seen plummeting to his death during filming of the pilot.

6/17/03 - Graduates of Southwest Missouri State University aren't exactly sure when the President allegedly told them to "jump off a bridge" last Saturday, and many suspect that the quote could have been easily misheard during any number of spluttered passages contained within his commencement address. Regardless, the President's new patriotic-proving initiative has sent the promotional department at FOX "News" into high gear.

"Our new 30-second spots show our commitment to our most glorious Commander in Chief. Praise be to God, praise be to Bush. Hallelujah!," explained Fox Senior Vice President of Propaganda Sy Borg, surrounded by a teeming hive of graphic artists and belletrists of agitprop screed, all of which momentarily stopped to reply "Hallelujah!"

In addressing the possible misinterpretation by the Borg team of Bush's speech, a piercing, fire-and-brimstone stare was bestowed upon this reporter that will not soon be forgotten. Equally surreal was the chance to meet Diamond Dave himself, host of FOX's "Jump Off A Bridge", as he recorded commercial intros and outros.

"How the hell are ya... Americaaaaaa?! ... Look at all the people here tooooniiiiiiiyyggt! Like I always say a bird in the bush is better than the one in my hand. Does anyone here like to rock and roll? ... Lose the dress, keep the shoes, and if you're still here in the morning call the firing squad. ... My dad once said, "Dave you gotta have something to fall back on" - you know what part I showed him. ..... People ask me how far I've come ... and how often! It's like an Amazon woman bar-b-que - naked and steamy, right before your burning little ears. Hey! You better believe this is real, this isn't MSNBC!"

In a related story, the dollar continues to hit fresh lows against the Euro. Experts are dumbfounded. Absoultely dumbfounded.