Groundbreaking Ceremony Held For "Music Pirating Detention, Reconditioning, and Packaging Center" Met With Strong Industry Support, Alarms Most Moral Humans

2/21/03 - Davenport, IA - The Recording Industry Association of America, represented by the heads of the five major recording labels, marked the groundbreaking of a behemoth "Music Pirating Detention, Reconditioning, and Packaging Center" outside of Davenport earlier today. Perfidious musician Lars Ulrich was on hand to yammer at the press.

"I'm here to help drum up support," said Lars, too dim to realize the obvious pun.

Slated to open in March of 2005, the MPDRPC will have the capacity to hold upwards of half a million song-swapping dissidents, while utilizing the manpower held captive to help improve the bottom-line of operating expenses within the recording industry.

A judge's ruling last month, which forced Verizon to release the names of a customer that was using song-swapping software KaZaA, has essentially empowered the executives of the RIAA's corporate makeup to serve as "police, judge, jury, and jailer" of anyone suspected of sharing the intellectual property rights of the industry consortium. Making immediate use of this entitlement, Warner Brothers Senior Vice President of Operations Bert Smert saw an opportunity.

"Paying people to package our product is extremely expensive," noted Mr. Smert. "To reduce our bottom-line production costs, without increasing the transportation costs associated with distant Free Trade Zones, we needed a means to package our CDs without employing the use of expensive packaging systems or paid workers. Prison labor seemed to be a profitable solution, and owning the prison would further reduce costs."

The initiative to jail suspected song-swappers and use them as unpaid FTEs was quickly approved at the RIAA quarterly meeting.

"All the chips came together," said Sony Executive Vice President Horatio Poo. We had the ruling, the empowerment, a need to reduce costs, a virtuously endless supply of laborers, and a chance to improve society as a whole to eliminate sharemongers from society. It's a win-win-win-win-win situation."

"This day marks a new era in the securement of our products throughout the music recording pipeline," exclaimed drumming retard Lars Ulrich. "Punishment for the swapping of audio files using state-of-the-art technology must be exercised."