Americans No Longer Allowed To Travel - Must See World Through "Reality Shows"
4/11/02 - Due to increasing security concerns overseas, widespread laziness, and shocking displays of ignorance, Americans have been banned from traveling outside the U.S. and Canada. For those Americans that notice the new laws, reality shows that take place in other countries will be more widely available.

CBS will be airing Amazing Race and other reality shows daily to accommodate Americans who have the "travel bug." So far, the laws have passed with little protest or public response. In fact, Americans find they can greatly cut travel costs, save themselves from searching for McDonald's in foreign places, and can avoid wasting valuable vacation devoted to history, culture, or strange customs.

As always, all contestants on reality shows will be single, attractive white co-eds. Producers have found that this demographic widely reflects the tastes of most advertisers viewers. Contestants are instructed to speak English only, wear attire only with recognizable American logos, and treat anything non-American with disdain and fear.

A recent episode of Real Survivors Road Race Temptation presents a team of indistinguishable twentysomethings wearing baseball caps as they travel through Thailand. A highlight of the show occurs when one of the members exclaims"Thailand is like the Twilight Zone!" In another memorable segment, a traveler with a Red Sox cap barbs a Yankee fan. The Yankee fan replies with a hearty "N-Y-C! N-Y-C! N-Y-C!" Such tête-à-tête gives the show a commanding, almost Shakespearean feel, according to producers.

The show does not forget to cater to its core audience: sophisticated travel buffs who yearn to travel the high seas and are not afraid to "rough it." It is for these reasons that, in place of museum tours, the show offers scenes of travelers putting their heads into tanks of live tarantulas, eating boiled rats, and "getting naked".

Some travelers have expressed displeasure at the new laws, and claim that the reality shows, while undoubtedly "real", do not provide the genuine experiences that a physical trip might offer. Congress quickly made the law part of the Patriot Act and labeled such opponents "Terrorists".

Projected lineup:
The Coca-Cola Sahara Thirst Stomp
The NIKE Vatican 500
Spring Break Ancient Artifact Tour of Cancun
The GAP Southeast Asian Sweat Shop Shuffle
Holland: Heineken, Hashish, & Hoes