Local Linens 'n Things "Out of Things"
Store Manager Shrugs at Lack of Supply Chain Management in Face of Continued Frenzy of American Commercialism

5/24/03 - Don Knapp, manager of the Linens 'n Things in Rochester Hills, scours over his list of inventory again 'n again, but comes up with the same result.

"We're all out of 'things'," says Knapp, as he greets another customer before they have a chance to exit their car. "I don't know when we expect any things, so for now, you'll have to find things elsewhere."

"I came all the way from Port Huron looking for a whole list of things. There's no things at the Sterling Heights Linens 'n Things, and now no things here? Not any things?" shouts another disgruntled shopper.

"No things to see here", says Knapp, sounding like a broken record. "We had some things, now we have nothing. Out of every thing."

This is not the first time Knapp had to turn away customers. With so many retailers selling 'things', 'stuff', 'etc.', and 'beyond', supplies of most common household objects have been exhausted. The market for these behemoth 21st century "general stores" has saturated well past the point of moist. Federal economists were unavailable to freely comment.

All things considered, experts expect industry consolidation will alleviate the supply problems these stores are experiencing. Unable to resist naming these new megastore combos, the experts suggested "Bed, Bath & Body Works & Beyond", "Kitchens & Mailboxes Etc.", and "Stuff, Things, Goods -n- More 'R Us".

Meanwhile, Knapp is, of all things, waiting for delivery of things, because as things go, he will have to take things as they come to keep things moving. A thing of beauty, a thing of the past, the best thing since sliced bread, the same old thing, a sure thing, any thing at all would be just the thing. Still reading this thing?