Following Invasion, America's 2004 Olympic Hopefuls Cease Training
Young Gymnasts, Swimmers, Decathletes Growing Increasingly Despondent in the Face of Doubtful US Participation in Greek Games

Above: American gymnast Cindy DeMorrill has already gained 35 lbs since the War on Iraq started two weeks ago.

Below: With little money coming in from the government, some of the US Gymnastics team have applied their skills to new vocations.

4/4/03 - The dwindling chances of US participation at the 2004 Olympics in Greece has shattered the dreams of many young athletes, according to USOC vice-chairman Peter Tarnet.

"Committing their lives to athletic excellence, and then facing the probability that they will not be competing when in the prime of their lives, it really has a heavy psychological effect," says Mr. Tarnet.

The ramifications of such depression have already surfaced, with many young athletes abandoning their training and popping Prozac. Many have ballooned in weight, and with government sponsorship money drying up, some have turned to drug dealership, stripping, and even prostitution just to get by.

"I used to get up at 6:00 in the morning, practice for five hours, eat, go to class, and then practice for another nine hours. Now, that's all gone. I get up whenever, watch the war for a few hours, then I'm on stage at the Golden Banana at 11:30pm weeknights," explained former uneven bar national champion Kellie Lansing. "I am, however, the best pole dancer the club has ever seen."

State Department Officials refused to comment on the wide speculation that the US would not be able to send athletes to the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, Greece. Many International Olympic Committee members conclude that at the current pace of dwindling American credibility, protection of the US athletes would be impossible. That, or in the spirit of peace and goodwill of the Games, the Americans would simply not be allowed to participate.

A survey conducted at Bill O'Reilly's website concluded that 97% of his website visitors think the rest of the world is full of shit.