3/13/03 - It seems like every day I come across some new product that I have not yet encountered. Today I found a brand new water variety, hardly a remarkable event while it seems like new water varieties spring up every time anyone, anywhere becomes thirsty. The bottle looked normal enough from a distance—solid blue, with some propaganda on the label.

On closer examination I noticed the special hook. Apparently this was no normal bottle of water; on the contrary, this water was “specially treated.” Not treated with fluoride, or vitamins, but with oxygen. That’s right, “Clearly Canadian’s” new offering is what they call “Oxygen Enhanced Water.”

The label is pure comedy, like a mock advertisement from “Saturday Night Live.” Bold letters say “10X” in stark blue, and directly underneath is an official looking diagram of a water molecule, clearly showing that each molecule comes with two atoms of oxygen pre-attached.

The short but sweet advertisement states that this product is “formulated as superior refreshment for athletes.” The blurb goes on to say that the beverage is “ozone protected” and in bold letters set apart from the rest, it says that it contains “up to 10X the normal concentration of oxygen.”

Let’s think about this for a minute; they have actually added oxygen to the water. I think that this should be said one more time for emphasis: THEY HAVE ADDED OXYGEN TO WATER.

Immediately upon reading this I found myself longing for a job in the “Clearly Canadian” advertising department. Perhaps something like: “Today people are too busy to waste time drinking and breathing.” After this we will immediately flash to a person screeching to a halt on his mountain bike, he stares seemingly into space, and wipes his brow. Then the viewers witness the man take a labored breath, a big swig off of a bottle labeled generically “water,” and then another labored breath with a pained look on his face. The glorious climax comes when our hero stares into the camera and says, looking disgusted with his sorry lot in life, “Isn’t there a better way?”

This product seems just ridiculous enough to become a big hit. Does anyone remember the water that had caffeine added to it? I think it was called “water joe.” This was a bad idea as well, which is probably why we don’t see it anymore, but at least the added caffeine had a purpose. What is the purpose of adding air to water? Is this supposed to introduce air into the digestive system? Are we actually supposed to believe that this will refresh us more than regular water?

I wonder how many people will pay the extra dollar to have water with ten times as much air in it. I almost hope that this catches on, just so I can get secret amusement from the first time that someone actually tells me that they feel more refreshed drinking oxygenated water.

It seems that I have found a perfect example of the old adage that people will believe anything. Perhaps it is also an example of the “sucker born every minute” principle. The world is full of useless products made for those who will buy just about anything.

This new water reminds me somewhat of the “Baby Gap” clothing store. People are willing to pay the extra money for what amounts to a brand name and a label. Sometimes it seems the advertising companies are trying to fool consumers by claiming that there is something special about their product. “This shampoo helps to ease stress and depression,” or “Finally, a soap that will leave you feeling younger than you’ve felt in years.”

It’s hard to guess how much these gimmicks affect the people who buy the goods. Does a person really think that a cake of soap is gonna make them feel better, or do they just figure that they might as well try it out since they have to buy soap anyway.

If the latter is true one might think that people would at least shop for bargains, but it seems that people will actually shell out more for the product if there is a gimmick attached. Oxygen enhanced water costs more than regular water, which is supposedly justified by the added ingredient. The label clearly states that the added ingredient is oxygen. In other words, if you are paying a higher price for this ritzy water, then you are paying that extra money for air. You are actually buying air.

This reminds me of the movie “We’re No Angels,” where Humphrey Bogart, when questioned about why he got into prison, says “I had a company that sold bottled air…we had three types, mountain air, spring air, and all purpose air just for breathing.”

It seems that “Clearly Canadian” and Bogart’s character stumbled onto the same marketing masterpiece, a way to get money for nothing. This is a great country indeed.