Phish Back On Tour: Human Shields Leave Iraq
Veggie Burrito Supply Runs Out

Heading out to the show at Chemical Weapons Arena, seen in background Bummer - bus breaks down on way back to Baghdad after Phish are no-shows

3/4/03 - Thousands of "human shields" left Iraq last weekend as news spread that popular jam band Phish was back on tour. In fact, according to reports coming from Baghdad, many human shields thought they were going on Phish tour when they left for the Middle East. The confusion seems to have arisen when a popular Phish fan site errantly reported that the first leg of the tour would start in Baghdad, when in fact it is Bangor where Phish is planning on playing.

"We're disappointed - we may have already missed a few shows. But I must say, the hummus over there is fantastic," said one fan.

Last week, thousands of fans assembled at Chemical Weapons Arena outside of Baghdad, eagerly awaiting the show. After a few days, the crowd started to doubt that Phish would show.

One fan summed up the feelings well: "I thought I ate a bad batch of mushrooms, dude. We were waiting in line for hours to get into the place and the vibes just weren't cool. There were soldiers and guns and tanks and stuff. It was a bad scene. Plus, we were running low on supplies and the water at the arena tasted really funny."

Others were there to protest the upcoming Bush Adventure in Iraq, and actually intended to act as human shields should bombs start falling. But when supplies ran out and hallucinogens wore off, many found themselves, as one attendee put it "scared shitless."

Many fans had never even left their upper middle-class suburbs except to drive to and from Phish shows and were taken aback by peoples of Arabic origin - people whose behavior they found mystifying and frightening.

Unconfirmed reports are surfacing that most of the "Phish Phans" were purposely misinformed about the supposed Baghdad show in a right wing effort to "get rid of the peaceniks once and for all." Those who made such accusations were promptly bound, gagged, and shipped to Gitmo.