New Corporate Fraud Bill To Include "Probe Alternative" Provision
Choices of Congressional, Anal, or Ford Baffles All, Surprises Nobody

8/1/02 - As President Bush signed the Corporate Fraud Bill on Tuesday, Sen. Paul Sarbanes (D-MD) and Rep. Mike Oxley (R-OH) shared a cocktail and a good chuckle a few blocks away at the nearby Hooters restaurant. The "boobs", as exclaimed several times by the two lawmakers during their lunch, weren't the ones brandished by the waitstaff, but rather their fellow legislators who have, perhaps unbeknownstingly, allowed a "probe alternative clause" to be included in the final version of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002.

Options under the Probe Alternative Provision of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002, signed into law by President Bush on Tuesday, include Congressional (above), 1993 Ford Probe GT (below), and the Anal (bottom). The passage of the law with the 'executive escape clause' has surprised nobody, even given the level of inappropriateness.

"Oh, that's why they kept saying 'boobs'," commented waitress Debra Slinger (DD-OK). As often the case, the clueless were available for comment.

Buried within the text of the Corporate Fraud Bill, in section 106, subsection 'c', a clause exists that allows a subpoenaed corporate executive to choose between three kinds of probe. Offered up as options are 'Congressional', 'Anal', and a 93 Ford Probe GT.

"We're incredibly busy, and so are they. In exchange for the valuable time we receive by not holding a congressional probe, they can choose between the anal probe [to be administered by Senate Independent James Jeffords], or the car," commented Oxley, when questioned by the only reporter present that wasn't fixated on the tits.

"Honestly, we think most will probably opt for the Ford. The only one that's getting "one and two" is Traficant," added Sarbanes, as he high-fived Oxley and ordered another plate of "Hooters Style Steamed Clams".

An ABCNews / Washington Post poll showed that 100% of 100,000 Americans questioned were "baffled, but nonetheless not surprised".

"From a government that appoints Harvey Pitt to lead the SEC, and with Larry Thompson of Providian fame heading up Bush's corporate crime task force, I wasn't fazed," said polltaker and average American Daniel Poo.

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