New Corporate Fraud Bill To Include
"Probe Alternative" Provision
Choices of Congressional, Anal, or Ford Baffles All, Surprises
8/1/02 - As President Bush
signed the Corporate Fraud Bill on Tuesday, Sen. Paul Sarbanes
(D-MD) and Rep. Mike Oxley (R-OH) shared a cocktail and a good
chuckle a few blocks away at the nearby Hooters restaurant. The
"boobs", as exclaimed several times by the two lawmakers
during their lunch, weren't the ones brandished by the waitstaff,
but rather their fellow legislators who have, perhaps unbeknownstingly,
allowed a "probe alternative clause" to be included
in the final version of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002.
under the Probe Alternative Provision of the Sarbanes-Oxley
Act of 2002,
signed into law by President Bush on Tuesday, include Congressional
Ford Probe GT (below),
and the Anal (bottom). The
passage of the law with the 'executive escape clause' has
surprised nobody, even given the level of inappropriateness.
"Oh, that's why they
kept saying 'boobs'," commented waitress Debra Slinger (DD-OK).
As often the case, the clueless were available for comment.
Buried within the text of the Corporate
Fraud Bill, in section 106, subsection 'c', a clause exists that
allows a subpoenaed corporate executive to choose between three
kinds of probe. Offered up as options are 'Congressional', 'Anal',
and a 93 Ford Probe GT.
"We're incredibly busy, and
so are they. In exchange for the valuable time we receive by not
holding a congressional probe, they can choose between the anal
probe [to be administered by Senate Independent James Jeffords],
or the car," commented Oxley, when questioned by the only
reporter present that wasn't fixated on the tits.
"Honestly, we think most will probably opt for the Ford.
The only one that's getting "one and two" is Traficant,"
added Sarbanes, as he high-fived Oxley and ordered another plate
Style Steamed Clams".
An ABCNews / Washington Post poll
showed that 100% of 100,000 Americans questioned were "baffled,
but nonetheless not surprised".
"From a government that appoints
Pitt to lead the SEC, and with Larry
Thompson of Providian fame heading up Bush's corporate crime
task force, I wasn't fazed," said polltaker and average American
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