The Pruneburger Plot

1/31/02 - Background: Several thousand American schoolchildren are confined to their toilets today, due to the consumption of pruneburgers at their school cafeterias - apparently the results of the Terrorist's latest Attack On America (Copyright Pentagon, 2002).

Reportedly, the "Superheroes League of Justice", lead by Tom "Anti-Terror Man" Daschle, has uncovered a secret plot authored by North Korea, Iran, and Iraq to lure American youth away from George Bush's speeches and America's "education" services - and straight into the bathroom.

According to inside sources, the leaders of the three respective nations hope that a child forced to sit alone and think for himself or herself for a few hours, away from a "teacher", and shielded from "The Great Satan's propaganda", might conclude that Bush is "laughable," "clownish," and "just downright silly".

The Evil Axis referred to American teachers as "government-paid minions of misinformation and terror" whose wages are so low and threat of unemployment so great that they will teach American children anything the government dictates, even if it sounds ridiculous to the rest of the world.

The evil plot was hatched when Sauron, Darth Maul, and the Wicked Witch of the South met with the leaders of the Evil Axis and proposed the idea. The three infiltrated the American school system by hiring an army of cronies disguised as Lunch Ladies who proposed and supported the "Prune Burger Initiative" in school lunchrooms across the United States.

Apparently, the plan is having some frightening results so far, as a 4th grader from Wichita, Kansas, was seen thinking for herself as she exited the bathroom, oblivious to the toilet paper still stuck to her shoe. The girl was quickly given large doses of Ritalin and asked to recite seven "The Terrorists Hate Freedom"s, five "They will not escape the justice of our Nation"s, and three "Hail Marys".

Milton Bradley's New "Axis and Allies 2002" has some gamers jumping for joy - provided they are on the Allies side.

In related news, Milton Bradley has removed Germany, Italy, and Japan from its popular board game, "Axis and Allies", and replaced them with the new Evil Axis. Protest is already swelling within the Axis and Allies gaming community, as the Axis, with its arsenal of 5 scud missiles and 73 landmines, is not nearly sufficient enough to muster a challenge to the allies, who own at least 4,000 nuclear missiles from the United States and unlimited gangs of soccer hooligans, ruffians, and general tomfoolery from Great Britain.