Nations Meet To Decide Action In Congo Crisis
US, Britain Lock Horns With World

White House planners trying to locate Congolese opportunities

5/27/03 - Amidst reports of genocide and cannibalism in the Congo, the United Nations met yesterday to decide the fate of the government in that country. Fierce debate broke out in the council over the question of military action. Britain and the U.S., along with a bunch of small island nations you've never heard of, insist that military intervention is needed to liberate the Pygmies.

After much debate, The U.S. opened its wallet and handed out a few million to each member nation. This worked, for the most part. But some nations still refused to join the coalition, insisting that - no matter who was being systematically hacked to death there - the Congo posed no threat at all to its neighbors.

Failing to make a moral claim, the U.S. shifted gears and insisted that, if genocide wasn't a good enough reason to drop a few billion dollars of bombs, the Congolese arsenal of scythes, poison-tipped arrows, and stone hand axes consitutes a danger to the whole planet. Some selfish nations who sell pitchforks to the Congolese remained unconvinced.

The U.S. plans on bombing anyway, as secret plans revealed to Humor Is Dead show. After the liberation of the Pygmies, the U.S. plans on toppling a statue of the Congolese leader and drape it with a U.S. flag for live viewing on Good Morning America. After that, The Congolese will happily subsist on McDonald's rather than Pygmy meat and stocks will rise on Wall Street, riding the sharp investment and return on Coconut production in the region, to be owned and operated by Dick Cheney and a few friends.