Decomposed Body of Quizno's Spokesthing
Found in Local Laundromat's Lint Trap
Snuggle Bear Held For Questioning As Search Continues For The Other
Whatever-The-Fuck That Is
3/1/04 - It has two saccadic eyeballs,
British teeth, and has been rotting for weeks in a lint trap.
If you said "one of those things from the Quizno's commercials?"
you would have been penalized money by Alex Trebek in Double Jeopardy.
Enough with the "form of a question" bullshit, OK? Unnecessary.
Earlier today, the search was half-over for
these whatever-the-fucks from the Quizno's commercial, when one
of them was found by laundromat owner and albino Pauline Ann-Lee
Edwards. While giving a thorough "how's-your-father" style
cleaning deep inside the lint traps of her Oak Square Laundro-rama
dryers, she came across a very dead looking thing, and then got
the urge for a toasty sandwich.
"We think it's the singer," said
Police Chief Larry Shelby. "He probably was just looking for
something warm and toasty, and then got stuck. Dead more than two
weeks. Hey, did you know these things have like 10 cocks? Check
this out...."
Many photographs were taken as the officer
fondled the penes of the badly decayed rodent. This was immediately
followed by the urge to eat toasted sandwiches.
Renamed whatever-the-fucks by this writer
with ADD and short term memory loss, the spongemonkeys were conjured
up by the Antichrist himself to serve three purposes: sell toasted
sandwiches to pre-pubescent boys, annoy the shit out of anyone over
the age of 26, and show that taking Flash 101 and hanging on to
the 4-track can be profitable, and in the case of this writer with
ADD and short term memory loss, a missed opportunity.
"Honestly, this isn't a huge loss," said Vice President
of North American Yah-That'll-Do
Marketing Officer Trey Hall. "The publicity is actually rather
good."
Snuggle Bear, mentioned in the subtitle,
escaped police custody and went on a vicious rampage at a nearby
mall, killing 67. He too got the urge for a toasty sandwich.
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