2/9/02
- Matthew Cozart, school superintendent of Region 15 schools in
Illinois, announced intentions to act unilaterally at a meeting
of all state schools, drawing the ire of many members of the Illinois
public school system. In his address, Cozart referred to regions
12, 28, and 42 as an "Axis of Miseducation" and confirmed
that he will act in the interests of Region 15 regardless of the
wishes of other superintendents.
"They hate freedom," Cozart bluntly stated in his address.
In order to demonstrate his region's devotion to freedom, Cozart
has instituted the "Anti-Truancy Bill." This initiative
includes several controversial dictates, including article 12, which
states that "No student shall enter the bathrooms unaccompanied.
An armed bathroom attendant must keep said student within his or
field of vision at all times while said student is expelling either
liquid or solid wastes."
Other articles in the bill strictly punish speaking without raising
your hand, original thought, and cutting in line, popularly known
as "cutsies". Any of these infractions may lead to "detention
without trial." Failure to complete homework will result in
"immediate expulsion" and detainment in
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where the offending student will be subjected
to "intense spelling tests" until he or she admits his
guilt.
Representatives from Region 14, which encompasses 3 neighboring
towns, had no comment. Traditionally, the two regions worked concurrently
on most issues.
Superintendent Chalmers, of Region 25, called Region 15 a "Great
Satan" and vowed to go ahead with their rogue lunch program
of pizza not only on Fridays but on "Every damn day of the
school year if we please."
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2/9/02
- Matthew Cozart, school superintendent of Region 15 schools in
Illinois, announced intentions to act unilaterally at a meeting
of all state schools, drawing the ire of many members of the Illinois
public school system. In his address, Cozart referred to regions
12, 28, and 42 as an "Axis of Miseducation" and confirmed
that he will act in the interests of Region 15 regardless of the
wishes of other superintendents.