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Accounting Irregularities Force Local Man to Revise Penis Size
Latest Scandal Reveals Attempts to Inflate Ego, Self Worth

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2/26/03 - Oakland, CA (Amalgamated Press) -- An unidentified resident of Oakland, CA issued a press statement today announcing that "previous self-estimates of his penis size have been overstated for the previous 140 quarters." While not directly admitting to any unethical or illegal activity, the writer of the statement acknowledged that self declared estimates of the size and girth of his member were largely fiction, the result of accounting "errors" that he "deeply regretted".

In a stunning admission, the press statement revealed that an internal audit had found that the man's penis size, previously thought by friends and family to have been measured in inches and fractions of feet, were actually measured in millimeters.

Further details were said to be forthcoming, though the statement did reveal possible accounting errors in estimates of the man's sexual history in terms of the number of previous partners, as well as overestimating his IQ.

Industry insiders are openly speculating what effect these admissions will have on the social life and self image of the author of the press release.

"It's bad, yeah." said Brian Castle, an accountant and expert on these matters. "But it could be worse. He can come out of this okay if he's careful. He can augment these obvious shortcomings with several strategic purchases of large caliber weapons and possibly, an expensive sports car. It will cost him, but I've seen worse."

The statement concluded with a profane statement about National Public Radio correspondent Cokie Roberts, who was unavailable for comment.