Headline Is "A Gem" Says Local News Station Manager
"'Man Kills Wife, Puts Remains in Meat Grinder, Serves to Kids Undercooked, Causing Listeria Outbreak' Sure to Boost Click-Through Rate," Says News Head

Orlando Station Manager Bob Cob shows us a copy of the news anchor script as he nervously watches a monitor of his station's live broadcast on the murder/cannibalism/listeria outbreak story that once gripped the local El Paso market and is now gripping the entire nation through his efforts. Bob represents everything, and we mean everything, that is wrong with broadcast and internet journalism today.

6/2/03 - Always on the lookout for stories that reek of sensationalism, void of any journalistic merit, and purely of local interest for other localities, Bob Cob, manager of a "local news" TV station and web site, gets a call that immediately transforms his vacant expression into one of purely childish enthusiasm.

"This is big," exclaims Cob, as he calls out to his staff. "Get 'Breaking News' up, now! Jerry, I'll e-mail you headline script. Banners! I need banners! 468x60, and a 120x90 for the left nav bar, NOW people!, let's go!"

Turns out a horrific story has surfaced from a FOX affiliate in El Paso, which has reached Bob through his station's multitude of ownership and affiliation crossovers. "Man Kills Wife, Puts Remains in Meat Grinder, Serves to Kids Undercooked, Causing Listeria Outbreak," reads the headline describing the horrid sequence of events, parts of which may or may not be completely factual. The term 'alleged' could not be reached for comment.

Indeed, the fully-realized trend towards clusterfucked ownerships of local television stations puts the most trivial of stories in the instant reach of local television viewers and internet subscribers worldwide.

"The news is about stories, we're not in this business to weigh 'impact'. If a naked man defecates in a dumpster in back of the Wendy's in Bozeman, Montana, our television viewers here in Orlando will see that," chimes in Cob. "And if one of my headlines gets on Drudge, that's my reward, click, click, ca-ching! Banner sales!"

In unrelated news, tabled in favor of coverage of an emu-beating in Uxbridge, Massachusetts, Patriot Act II has passed, effectively completing America's change from failed Republic experiment into full-on fascist authoritarianism.