Natural Formation In Area Birch Tree Identified As Squirrel
Hysteria Subsides, But Thousands Still Flock to Latest Virgin Mary Siting

The image of the Virgin Mary appears on a squirrel in a tree outside Lake Dick, Arkansas. And, uh, as the photoshopper would have you believe, the two individuals here are seemingly missing the point, as they are looking and pointing at the opposite side of the squirrel. Seriously, you shit-for-brains, this shouldn't be that difficult!! [ed note - the photoshopper has also been sacked]

8/13/03 - Religious fanatics from various factions of Christianity continue to swoop down on the backwoods town of Big Dick, Arkansas to catch a glimpse of the Virgin Mary in what was being called a "natural formation" in a local birch tree. Now, upon a more complete analysis, the formation has been positively identified as "squirrel".

Sunrise to sunset, a steady caravan of America's devoutest march to the site and pray, in keeping with their belief that God judges people by their level of devotion as if a contest to be won against other people. And the fact that the squirrel has remained motionless since discovery doesn't seem to phase anyone. Upon further reflection by this writer, that fact shouldn't be all that surprising.

When first discovered by a local resident last month, word spread quickly among the "Cherry Marys", the legion of zealots that seem to show up whenever any object resembles, wholly or in part, Momma Christ. [ed note - the group actually prefers to call themselves the Virgin Mary Discoverers, or VMDs]

"I've now seen the Virgin Mary in 42 of the 50 states, and four Canadian Provinces!" screamed an elated Sister Mary Beth Marybeth of Funk, Ohio. "This is better than the one we saw in the cow manure pile in Tupelo, but it doesn't stand up to the one in the hospital in Milton though. That was really something."

Damn straight Mary. Fucking condensation on a window pane actually. Regardless, this latest appearance of the Virgin Mary has brought a renewed sense of closeness to God for thousands of clueless idiots, many of which also happen to be retired postal employees. [ed note - it should be noted now that the incredulity of the writer makes him an obvious agent of Satan and therefore has been sacked. Apologies to the fine folks at the post office as well]