Man Celebrates 1,000th Straight Day at Nearby 24-Hour Starbucks

7/4/03 - When a long divorce finally came to an end three years ago this coming October for a local millionaire, he consoled in a double mocha coconut frappuccino. An estimated 6,495 fraps later, Ed Probst of Big Butte, Oregon is still at the 24-hour Starbucks in the coastal town of Newport.

Day in, day out, he always there, customers and employees confirm. Doctors, psychologists, and other medical professionals, passing through to indulge in the same over-roasted diarrhea they label coffee that has kept Ed here for 1,000 straight days, check up on the store's permanent habitue. His condition, they say, is undoubtedly macabre.

"The man has drank nothing but Starbucks since the early fall of 2000. I mean, damn, look at the teeth, the eyes ... and a heartbeat like an uzi you can hear across the room," was the diagnosis of Dr. Pokey Jellyfinger. "Medically-speaking, he ought to be perspiring coffee. You could put a piston in his hand and power the cappuccino machine."

"In the time he's been here, a lot of weird shit has happened, and that's the catch you media types are always looking for - that feel-good cozy newsstory, so here it is," notes store manager Y. Napmo Clive, as he continues...

"When customers come into our Starbucks and meet our famous resident, they ask him when he started sitting there. When he tells them, we feel a collective reminiscence emanate throughout the store, It's a little over three years ago. It's at some point after Y2K fears ended on New Years Day, but before the time the market was definitely showing signs of a snowballing downturn. During this time, bliss. An all too brief hiatus when the world was predominately at peace, people had jobs and clarity, and a whole 1000 years laid before us to dream what would be our future, our children's future, and so on into the unforeseeable millennium ahead, where man could have undoubtedly become victorious over all wars for all eternal on their birthplace world, embarked into the endless universe on a colonization of bigger-than-biblical proportions, and, reach the apex of intelligence allowing mankind to conquer his own existence, to render man as immortal - able to transport thought, existence, pure essence of being, through boundless space, liberated from any trace of organic heritage."

"We dreamed. While we dreamt, we experienced the most stealth election fraud to ever occur in the history of electoral processes that counts one individual's vote as .00032% of an actual president electoral vote. An election which thus far has guaranteed that all future reflections of significant historical periods will be broken up by that nicely round-numbered year, 2000. History will note passages of time that ended before that year, or began after, but never inclusive of year 2000."

"Ed, here, he lets people forget what has thus far been a total fucking screwjob of our collective, progressive dreams. All toast Probst, foremost roasted host at almost-coast post."

Cheers, Ed. -ed