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Disenfranchised
Staten Islanders Declare Intifada
Demand That New Yorkers Leave Occupied Territory
12/3/02 - Tired of being subject to the humiliating oppression
of Mike Bloomberg and New York City, Staten Island has demanded
that New York cops and administrators pull out of the territory
and allow Staten Island to establish its own government - whoever
that might include.
When asked whether
these threats of secession are to be taken seriously, Bloomberg
replied, "Staten Island? I'm not sure what you mean. You mean
Long Island?"
"This is
a perfect example of the public humiliation we face as secondhand
citizens here." Claimed Vinnie Coccaro, president of SILLY
- the Staten Island Liberation Lobbying Youthgroup. "Staten
Island is more than a mall and a landfill - we're real people -
and we're tired of being subject to degrading harassment every time
we take the Ferry to Manhattan."
Most New Yorkers
do not agree, saying that, if anything, Staten Island's descendants
- all the way back to the biblical days - are more closely related
to the tribes of New Jersey. Proponents of this theory cite the
proliferation of Camaros and strip clubs full of women with "big
hair" on the island. However, the speculation is nearly impossible
to confirm, considering no one from the other 4 boroughs has ever
been to the island.
The intifada
comes at an interesting time for New Yorkers. Facing a budget deficit
of over 3 billion dollars, the economy hasn't seen such economic
troubles since the seventies, when a bailout from the federal government
was needed. Bloomberg is expected to ask the Bush Administration
for the cash in the wake of the uprising in the occupied territories.
"It's not
our problem that New Jersey won't take their own people back. We've
extended full civil rights to Staten Islanders. Yet, Staten Island
schools teach that New Yorkers are evil people bent on wiping New
Jerseyans and Staten Islanders out of existence. That's just propaganda
- pure and simple."
A small faction
of liberals, led by Al Sharpton and Mark Green, took to the streets
yesterday to demonstrate their support for the Staten Island liberation
cause. They were promptly met with tear gas and nightsticks…as
they damn well should have been.
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