Flight Attendants For Ted Airlines Already Dreading Passengers Named Ted
Inevitable Conversations With Teds "Will Really Test Thresholds of Sanity", Says Union

11/26/03 - When UAL decided to split off some of its United fleet to a new, low-cost carrier named "Ted" earlier this month, those flight staff and ticket agents told of their pending "demotion" began to worry incessantly about the inevitable. It goes something like this:

"Hi, welcome to Ted Airlines," says a Ted Airlines ticket agent.

"Well hi there, my name is Ted too!," says ... a guy named Ted.

"None of us like the fact that we're required to sound like automatons with our formalities. It's 'hi, hello, welcome,' and 'bye, bye-bye, bye now...,' in slow repetition" says Barb Baeiouller, a flight attendant from Wank, WI. "Now, what's going to happen when we welcome a Ted to Ted Airlines and he has that obnoxious 'golly gee' attitude, per the dull coincidence of sharing the name with the plane? I just fear I'll take a drink stirrer or something and jab that Ted in the eye. It's bound to happen - I can already play it out in my head. It'll be similar to when I tell someone to have a nice vacation and they say 'you too'. You too? I'm not on vacation you putz!"

Uh, anyway, in related stories:

° Lawyers for Kennedy, Kaczynski, Nugent, and Danson are requesting a preliminary injunction be placed on the "Ted" brand name. Ted Turner could not be reached for comment.

° Microsoft and IBM announced they will team up to create a low-cost desktop system running leftover copies of Microsoft Millennium Edition. "Soft BM" is due to hit shelves next spring.

° A spokesman for John Henry Williams, bastard son of legendary iced slugger Ted Williams, has offered his father's frozen corpse for use in any Ted Airlines promotional materials for an amount "in the upper 4-figures."