Red Sox Trade Ted Williams Alpha Clone After Lackluster Rookie Season
Will Call Up Ted Williams Beta, Gamma, and Delta Clones From Pawtucket

9/27/2086 - Confirming a firestorm of rumors, Ted Williams [clone alpha] was traded to the New York Yankees earlier today by a Red Sox management that regarded his rookie year as "kind of a let down."

Williams [alpha], whose prototype hit .406 in 1941, hit a dismal .367 and sat out the last two weeks of the season after failing his weekly telomere exam required of first generation replicants, casting doubt not only on his future in baseball, but his future in general.

"Only a few weeks ago we were considering life-termination for Williams [alpha]. Most first-gen clones don't get a second chance, much less a second chance to play baseball," commented young Red Sox CEO John Henry Williams IV. "Clones should be hitting at least .500! He should consider himself lucky, and in fact, that attribute will be enforced on him in the offseason through a series of 'clone-reconditioning' sessions."

Yankees' chairman of the board George Steinbrenner [clone omicron] was quick to defend his decision, stating that taking Williams [alpha] was more about furthering Red Sox humiliation than sustaining Yankee pride.

"Sure, anything we can do to rub it in the faces of Red Sox fans, we'll do," commented Steinbrenner [omicron], flanked at a press conference by fellow board members George Steinbrenner [clone beta-gamma] and George Steinbrenner [clone eta-delta].

BIOGRAPHY OF A BAD CLONE

Created on August 30, 2063, 145 years to the day after his original, Ted Williams [alpha] was the first baseball player reborn using cryonically-preserved DNA.

Before passage of the 2062 Thawing and Cloning Deregulation Act, all regenerations were performed by the Reunited States Federal Cloning Council, which focused exclusively on the duplication of political figures and corporate executives. Williams [alpha] represented the first 'leisure entity' clone, followed by the regenerations of Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretsky by Pleasureclone Industries. Incidentally, Pleasureclone's announcement Tuesday that groundbreaking had begun on a porn star duplication factory outside New Las Vegas, New Nevada, has sent their stock up 4693% in heavy trading.

But with deregulation of the industry came a whole host of quality control issues. As a child, Williams [alpha] suffered severe bouts of rheumatism arthritis, prompting treatment with hydroxychloroquine and other drugs typically reserved for original-naturals. During his teen years, Williams [alpha] also had to battle other replicant-only diseases, such as acute bone putrefaction, accelerated hydrocele, and Walt Disney [clone alpha]'s Disease.

By age 19, Williams [alpha] had also racked up three liver wringings, a robotic left hip, two skull remoldings, and multiple vital sensor implants. But with the support and oppressive upbringing wrought by John Henry Willams III, Williams [alpha]'s sponsor-father, the "Resplendid Splinter" landed a spot on the 2083 Pawtucket Red Sox, followed since by nearly two dozen healthier Williams next-gens.

Williams [alpha] debuted in left field at Fleet-Fenway Park last May to the delight of Red Sox nation, but even his .367 hitting couldn't help his awful count of errors, one of the highest in baseball history.

"The kid could catch any air borne pathogen known to man, but was immune to fly balls," joked Williams III. "But we've improved on the first-gen mistakes, and 'upgraded' the host-mother several times. I promise that the next batch of clones coming up through the Sox system will be far superior".

HOPE FOR BOSTON'S FUTURE

Now 168 years since a World Series victory, the Red Sox hope to have their all-Williams-clone lineup complete by the 2090 season. The next three clones, Williams [beta], Williams [gamma], and Williams [delta] are expected to be ready as early as next July.

Along with seven World Series appearances since 2000 that have all ended in unsurprising defeats, Boston has suffered other tremendous heartbreaks throughout the 21st century, most notably in the strike-abbreviating seasons of 2015, 2035, 2044, and 2071, all of which saw the Sox in good contention for the American League pennant. No George Steinbrenner clones were available for comment.

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