Bin Laden Captured; Terrorism Wiped Out Forever

11/20/01 - George Bush and Tony Blair won the War on Terrorism yesterday, as it became clear that Bin Laden, though not really captured, was "somewhere within a 35,000 mile radius" and definitely "in one of only 5 countries" according to the CIA, the NSA, and the KKK.

"We are now living in the Utopia I alluded to last week," said Mr. Blair, "thanks to the billions of dollars provided by the people of America and Britain."

In this new terrorist-free world, Bush and Blair now have the authority to "bomb the living shit" out of anybody, at any time, as they see fit, thereby ushering in a new era of global peace and prosperity. Mr. Bush plans to celebrate this new utopia by "dropping several megatons of daisy cutter bombs on Iraq" and "not signing a single UN agreement regarding universal human rights, nuclear disarmament, or the limiting of biological weapons production."

The two leaders will meet next week in an effort to rename the two nations that eradicated terrorism from the planet and will follow that meeting with a final vote, to be cast by Bush and Blair. Sources say that Bush will vote to change the United States to "Freedomland" while Blair proposes the United Kingdom be known as "Utopiaville". The two will also move that Afghanistan be called "Hades" until Halliburton, Dick Cheney's former construction company (the one that rebuilt the former Yugoslavia), and UNOCAL, with its oil pipeline, are firmly situated there. At that time, the nation will officially be called "The Noblebraveeagle Union."

"Now that there are no more evildoers, I declare myself king of the planet," Bush proclaimed at a White House press conference, after downing several shots of Wild Turkey. Such comments were considered by some leftist anarcho-terrorist-sympathizers as a slight lapse of judgment, despite the deafening roar of approval from the crowd. Immediately following the comments, Bush proceeded to run around the Tee-ball field and slide into home plate, which had an image of Bin Laden painted on it.

Several citizens of what will likely be known as "Freedomland" were seen lining up to receive Freedomland ID cards, phone taps, computer hard drive sniffers, and anal probes, as President Bush's aides packed the white house dumpsters with several tons of shredded paper representing every presidential document since George Bush Sr.'s presidency.

Vladimir Putin attended the White House celebration, and was reported to have said "We have stamped out terrorism forever and now we are in Utopia" at least 84 times in a row while wearing a blue baseball cap with the letters "NYFD" on it, and a red shirt with the letters "CCCP" across the front.